Among the fields of faded dreams
When day is done, or so it seems,
I stand beside the padlocked gate
And watch the evening as I wait,
While breezes call from shadows deep
As willows hang their heads and weep,
The dreams of evening speak to me
About the things they want to be.
New born beginnings, new romance,
Scattered windblown flowers dance,
Promises on meadows lain
Feelings that they can’t explain,
Joy and sorrow, smiles and tears
Fervent hopes and sheltered fears,
Brought to me on scented wings
Those wind blown secret heartfelt things.
I seem to catch a gentle tune
As singing dreams wait for the moon,
And twilight strums the distant wires
To tempt those astral silver fires,
Until at last they paint the land
So that the dreams will understand,
That life is such an endless stream
And it will come to every dream…
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Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | Not my type of thing, but I recognise the rhythmical qualities this carries throughout. There are some nice lines, but right from the start I was minded of one of those pieces of art with unicorns and fairies etc. I know that sort of thing is very popular - and if you had it in mind, you've been very successful. It's not something I would usually think about.
Phil | Poetry
Written by backstreetdreamer (11 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | | I am sure it isn't something you usually think about, it is poetry. |
Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | Welcome Street 
I like it.
The first verse is my favorite, although I'm rather fond of these two lines on the last verse.
"I seem to catch a gentle tune
As singing dreams wait for the moon,
| Phil - you grumpy?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | Phil - I have to disagree with you here (for once, it's very rarely that I do!), and thoroughly support backstreetdreamer's response!
BSD - on first reading I wanted to celebrate your two lines:
'Brought to me on scented wings
Those wind blown secret heartfelt things'
and still do . . .
But then I read your final stanza - what a stonker!
I shall re-visit and re-visit this.
Phwoooooargh!
Cheers!
Katie Jay.
XXX | Heya
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | Hey B.D.
I really enjoyed this poem! I especially loved the lines -
The dreams of evening speak to me
About the things they want to be.
I think this is a really beautiful line *smiles*
Not much else I can say except it flowed beautifully and was a very wonderful poem.
Thanks for the read.
Goddess |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | Your reply to Phil's review does not do you or your writing credit. I would say it is a breath of fresh air to have a new member who obviously has a natural talent for metre; Phil will crucify me anyway for saying this - but read his work before you comment on what he thinks upon!
Cheers | Calm down chaps!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | Sorry guys!
I feel this is all getting a bit 'unnecessary', in the modern sense of the woerd.
Let me put it like this:
We have a new, and very welcome good poet, who probably took offence at Phil's, and I have to say this, rather 'throw-away' comment - after all he writes more reviews per minute than most of us put together!
Phil then apologised - good on him!
Hey Brett, please give BSD time - he's one of us!
Take a long look at his other stuff - well?
No more to be usefully said right now . . .
John X | Tolstoy
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | I have taken a look, you'll find a very positive review!
Cheers |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | To clarify - as it keeps getting dragged up. I wasn't grumpy, it wasn't a throw away comment and I don't do reviews by the minute.
Perhaps what I said was put clumsily, but I do stand by what I said. It wasn't meant as a put down. The poem, as does BSD's latest, have qualities of fantasy about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong in that. When I said it wasn't my type of thing, I meant the fantasy - so when that popped up into my head - it was something I rarely think about.
Besides anything else, and I hope BSD would agree, anyone can respond to a piece as they like. The key ingredient is honesty. I actually said I recognised the quality here, which has been overlooked.
It's one of the ironies of a writing site that on occasion words can be taken the wrong way. There are no facial clues as to the feel behind the text. If my initial comments were misinterpreted as throw away or ill thought out, then I do apologise. If offence was taken at what I thought I meant, there's no apology to give. Even pieces that display quality are not for everyone.
I interpreted BSD's response to me as rather curt and inflammatory - but I don't have the benefit of looking him or her in the eyes to see the intent behind the words.
There are much worse reviews - that are quite legitimate - to be had around here.
I don't want to appear picky, but reviews, on the whole, ought to address the work, not deconstruct other responses. I disagree with many reviews given here, as I'm sure many others do. Taking others to task over their views isn't what this site is about.
To be clear: I'm not peeved, or annoyed - just taking the opportunity to clarify.
Apologies to BSD - not the best start to your time on GW.
Phil | On my feeble part . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | | On my feeble part . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | . . . all is forgiven, absolved and forgotten - I was too hasty in my comments.
We just need BSD's asbsolution and we can all get back to the jolliness of honest, worthwhile writing and reviewing!
Apologies, Phil.
John |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | This conjures up for me a picture of an elderly man who gazes into the darkening fields as the dusk falls, and his life's story and the dreams he's had weaves in and out of his inner vision. It's gentle and positive and hold out promises while acknowledging the reality of tears and fears.
I don't bother with metres and beats etc, because I find them hard since English is my 2nd language. But even I can appreciate the gentle consistent rhythm here, that adds to the lilting, song-like quality of this piece.
The last stanza had me wondering, which is real in experience? The dream or the life? (I can see why Phil had fantasy in mind.)
Wonderful.
Mia  | Statement of absolution.
Written by backstreetdreamer (11 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | | I sincerely absolve Phil of any sin in commenting on my poetry, and I agree with him, it is everyone on the site's privilege to give their true comment on other's work, I also apologise for being slightly snappy in my reply, it is just that although I can write in other styles(posted one this morning) I very much prefer the styles of the old masters(while in no way proclaiming myself one, except for the old bit, that is) I see so much badly written prose these days that it automatically gets my back up. fot it is usually written by people who cannot write in the old style, keeping rhyme, metre, etc. Once again, my apologies to all concerened, now on with the business at hand. Keith. |
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