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Poetry


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swelling desire swells inside of me

By writerme

16 June 2008

just a poem

stealing glances your way
smiling listening intently to every word you say
swelling desire swells inside of me
sending signals I am sure you can see
shaping senses blindly

searching my soul
scanning the path -- I should go
splitting my heart
sizzling lips part
shooting pain sharp as a dart

so much time
scattered thoughts linger in my mind
soothing me
settling my angry sea
softening emotions gently

sealing away my pain
seeing you is insane
silently I cry
sigh
slowly I slip away, I wonder why

Reviews

Written by MariusBinx (17 comments posted) 16th June 2008

It was an ease to read. Good attempt as emotional imagery. I'm not awake enough to say much more about the quality of that creation.

So, I'll just mention that I hesitated when reading twice because of word choice.

"Swelling desires swell"
The repeat of the same word in the same sentence, despite prefix change, personally causes me to always double take my reading and thus breaking the flow. Maybe that's just me though.

While I personally use rhyme at the end of my last two sentences in any stanza I attempt to at least visually separate the words, and phonically attempt to make the rhyme imperfect depending on dialect. I find this a good way to keep a perdetermined rhyme scheme while not looking so obvious about the attempt, when the words are too similar I find myself often thinking it looks or sounds bad, and often I have to double take here as well, breaking flow.

I am referring to
"sizzling lips part
shooting pain sharp as a dart"

Dart and part may just be too similar, it sounds OK if I say "sizz-ling" instead of "sizz-il-ing" though.

And an example of what I meant, what I like to do personally, is in what I wrote here.

"...and thus breaking the flow. Maybe that's just me though. "

Good work.

Written by writerme (12 comments posted) 16th June 2008

Thanks MariusBinx,

Looking it over and listening to your thoughts -
probably true about the swelling and swell

It is still a work in progress.
thanks
sue

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