Monday morning ... the kids were in a bad mood because they had to get up early again after their vacations, my husband Steve was swearing in the bathroom because he cut his face while shaving, the coffee machine poured the coffee everywhere except for the coffeepot and the cheese in the fridge wore this fluffy coat of mold. I barely had time for a shower because I overslept and my hair was still wet when I finally left the house with my boys to drive them to school. No, I didn't drive them to school very often but they missed the bus because we couldn't find Paul's pencil case in time. Ten minutes to go before school began and we obviously were not the only late ones. We arrived at school twenty minutes later and Paul and Sean jumped out of the car and ran into the building without saying goodbye.

I took a deep breath and started the way back home. Damn traffic made me a bit angry but there was nothing I could do, so I just turned on the radio to listen to some uplifting music. When I looked up again, everything around me was strangely motionless. Many cars all around mine and not a single of them was moving. People were sitting in their seats with eyes wide open and silent ... they stared at me for whatever reason. My mood was still horrible, so I decided to get out of my car and walk back home, it was just about one mile and I didn't care what would happen to my car if I would leave it there, in the middle of that crossroad. The light was very ... hmmm ... what was it? ... the sun was shining when I left the house earlier but now it was dark but not like at night ... then I remembered when I saw this before ... it was like the twilight that comes with an eclipse. I looked up but couldn't see the sun nor anything else but this strange silvery gray and blue sky. No need to spend much time thinking about that, I just wanted to go home and have a coffee.

The front door was wide open when I reached our house and that made my anger grow a little more. Damn Steve, I knew he was late but he could even have closed the door when he left! When I was inside I suddenly felt very tired. Just a short rest ... on the sofa ... stretching my body for a few minutes and closing my eyes ... oh, what pleasure!

I must have slept for hours and when I woke up I saw some people in our living room. Steve was there, his parents and sister, my younger brother and some neighbors, all very silent and all dressed in dark clothes. Immediately I thought that something must have happened and jumped up.

"What's up here? Did anything happen? Why did nobody wake me up?" I asked, angry once more ... angry and worried.

The silence remained, I got no answer ... even worse: nobody seemed to notice me. I ran upstairs to the rooms of my sons but both of them sat on Paul's bed, also silent, pale faces and tears running down their cheeks. I stepped in and sat down next to Sean. Neither him nor Paul looked up. Paul just embraced his sobbing little brother comforting. I wondered ... they never did something like that before, most of the time they argued.

"Hey boys, everything okay?" my voice didn't seem to reach their ears, they didn't answer. It's painful for a mother to see her children grieving like they did but I decided to leave them alone and went back downstairs to ask Steve what happened. Steve sat on the sofa I slept on before and he was desperately crying.

"Why?" he asked nobody in particular. "Why did this happen? She was a good person and we need her. She can't be dead, she just CAN'T BE DEAD!" He screamed the last words and everybody in the room looked down uncomfortably.

"Who died? Tell me, please ... what happened?" I wanted an answer but still not a single person took notice of me.

Reverend Peters entered the room and took place next to Steve. "I am missing words here but I will always be there for you when you want to talk about Susan's death. I am really sorry for your loss, she was way too young to die."

I stumbled backwards ... Susan ... that was me ... but I wasn't dead, I was here, here in my own living room, here at home with my family ... I WAS THERE!!! I wanted to shake Steve to make him notice me but my hands couldn't touch him, not him and nobody else. And the mirror didn't show me ... I was gone but there.

I'm still there, 4 years already passed and I am still there, watching my sons growing up and seeing Steve still grieving.

I am there.

by Cream 06/16/2008