So, people, what makes us human? Physical appearances, yes. Two eyes, two ears, a mouth , legs, ears, fingers, toes. Hell, ye don’t even have to have all those to be classed as human. There’s our minds - at first glance, they appear to be more advanced than that of our animal counterparts. Memory, problem solving, tool-wielding; human traits, yes? Well, no- animals are capable of all those and many more besides. Monkeys use tools. Ah but they’re almost human, I hear ye mutter, and I’d be inclined to agree. After all, some have opposable thumbs. So what is it that makes us so special?

In my opinion (yes, this is all hearsay. My hearsay. Now listen to it.) it’s moral; it’s the ability to know that life sucks and that anything you can do to help someone else’s life be that wee bit easier, should be done. It’s being able to give up one of your wants so that someone else can have one of their needs. It’s looking at a fellow being and seeing yourself in them. In short - it’s empathy and camaraderie. It’s recognising that other people have sorrows and doubts and problems and that *gasp* maybe you’re not the centre of the universe.

Everyday I see copious amounts of people trying to assert their place in the world by f*cking over innocent folk. There’s that middle-aged upper class women who love nothing better than to hassle the young working class at the supermarket. There’s the middle aged man at the office that tries to intimidate the new office assistant. And if ye think I’ve got something against the middle-aged folk out there, you’re wrong - a) it’s not my fault that they turn out like that and b) I’m not fond of many of the young ‘uns either. In every school, you have the popular crowd whose main priority is to make sure those with less popularity or less money are hounded and hurled abuse at. And god-forbid that one of them should actually follow their interests! No, no, that wouldn’t do at all - they might make something of themselves without shovelling on mass amounts of make-up or without sleep around.

Our leaders are not noble anymore - their drive no longer comes from wanting to create equality but from wanting to assert authority. I feel really sorry for those in the lower classes that do not have the opportunity to join in life due to the fact that they’re trying not to starve to death.

If someone has the job (poor soul) of working in the service industry, I mean supermarkets, cafes, counsel office) then please don’t think that you own them and can treat them as you wish. Common decency still counts. You cannot shout at them because they don’t understand you, or because the machine they’re working at has decided to f**k up on its own accord. Because for all you know, it’s YOU that has misspoken or it’s the machine’s fault for being old. So, people; if you see someone acting like an unjustified dick towards decent folk then please have the balls to call them on it - even something as mundane as a raised eyebrow is enough to check their outrageousness.

The same goes for professionals/office workers. You’re all so worried that someone is going to be better than you at something, that instead of working to make yourself better, you go about plotting their demise. Can’t you realise that if you all work for the same company, you could maybe spend your time working on how to improve said company thus gaining that pay-rise/promotion?

And kids, do you want to try just being kids for awhile? Trust me when I say that ye don’t have that long to try it out. Go outside and play. Or just sit on the grass with your friends. ‘Cause once you join the ranks of adulthood, you’re probably not going to have that much fun again. And treasure your friends - they’re real people, not accessories.

“Ah, but this is all nature, survival of the fittest - it’s our instincts“, you say. To that I say- animal! This is what dogs do. They have hierarchies and dominant members. They snarl and keep watch with their shifty eyes for any signs of weakness from their pack members. And then they pounce. It’s not pretty - I’ve seen it. Both in nature and metaphor.

People, what I guess I mean to ask is, where is you camaraderie? We’re all humans - we all know how it feels to hunger, the need for a comforting touch, a warm bed and a kind word. Why don’t we start there? What am I saying “we” for? Y’all wanna act like animals? Fine, I’ll join in; I hereby resign from the human race. I have had enough of pseudo-nice. Enough back-stabbing. You’re going to kill me. You’re going to kill each other.

Ah, to hell with it; I hate y’all.
You know who my heroes used to be? Super Ted! The Ninja Turtles. Helen Keller. Winston bloody Churchill. Folk like that. They were the good guys. Fighting crime. Stopping evil. Helping those less fortunate who couldn’t defend themselves.

You want to know who my heroes are now? Charles Bukowski; a dead alcoholic. Hunter S Thomson; a dead druggie. And a more fictional voice, Spider Jerusalem; both a drunk and a junkie who would love nothing better than to swear at and spit on you. Seriously, thanks, people. Cause that’s what I always aspired to be when I was younger; an angry, substance-addicted social-outcast teetering on the edge of my mind.

“Respect your neighbour. Your parents. Each other in general. Treat other people how you want to be treated. And whilst you’re doing that, I’m going to crap all over you, your friends and loved ones. But mostly you. And I’m going to do it in such a way that you’ll f-ing thank me for it. Now bend over.”

THAT is what you people are like. You preach all this good stuff with one breath and with the other, you advocate suspicion of our fellow men, you amend the rules to your advantage and ye assure us all that you know better than all others. Let’s face it; you’re all fine purveyors of hate and fear.

Yes, I have been maybe a little heavy-handed in passing down my judgement and I do realise that there’s the occasional good person out there. Hell, ye can even find whole groups of them if ye look hard enough. No, I’m NOT talking about a specific religious group, if that what ye thought I meant. Let’s keep religion and politics outta this. They have not many advantages these days. Avoiding digression, I simply want to apologise, humbly, to those people who are truly good. These words were not meant for you and I’m sorry if ye thought ye were gonna learn something new here.

And if you think any of this is personal - you’re wrong. I do not belong to any of these classes. I’ve resigned. I’m off to the woods.