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By Brett
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17 June 2008 |
I
Foolishy spoken
Words echo between others,
They hear what we say.
II
Slate blue eyes will smile
(Melancholic if ignored)
As unfathomed seas.
III
Lover, in my arms,
Held so tight, you still slipped through
My fingers like rain.
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | I liked them all. There is this sense of elusiveness to each piece, both the subject matter as well as the message. It makes on ponder.
First one reminds me of thoughtless things I say, when on unexpected occasions, I hear them repeated by another (people who are influenced by me), it makes me wince. (Is that what I said? kind of shock) I sometimes wonder what my boy says in his school!
I like second one. I like it when eyes are depicted as windows into great depth of soul, that one cannot really fathom.
Third seems a sad irony. What is held so tight, run through our fingers. Perhaps the message is, hold things loosely??? Offer them freedom to walk, then if they choose to stay, then it is a gift.
Hmmm... Senryus are addictive.
Mia  | Not sure what I NEED to know
Written by bobc (51 comments posted) 16th June 2008 | | into the fray I guess. The strongest feeling I get from this is loss. | THree Senryus
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 17th June 2008 | I think all three are excellent, but the third gets to me particularly strongly.
For me, Mia's interpretation of this third one, above, is spot on - don't cling on so tight as to smother your lover!
Cheers!
Tolstoy |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 17th June 2008 | I liked all of these, Brett, although they have a very different tone from your previous love poetry. They are much more tranquil and suit the Japanese verse form very well. However, very melancholy.
The first one seems to be about lovers investing other people's words with their own private meanings? The lady's eyes are still on your mind. And the third one is the strongest, I think - but what a feeling of loss!
Hope to see some happy love poems from you one day. But I think those are harder to write.
V |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 17th June 2008 | With V. Third is the strongest - it worms in there - though seems to have a slightly different structure than the others with the last line a little like another paragraph. (Poor simile - but I know what I mean.)
This very short form can leave me cold - but I like these.
Phil
| Thank you
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | for your comments.
Mia - I'm glad that the elusiveness came across, and I thank you for your insightful interpretations.
bobc - cheers
Tolstoy - Thank you, as always - majority is with the final verse.
V - There is something in what you say about the first verse, and I apologise if I have seemed at all repetitive regarding her eyes - they are remarkable, though.
Phil - Thanks. I liked your 'poor similie' - no idea what it meant, but I liked it!
Cheers |
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