Tall, dark and handsome is the phrase
to throw the ladies in a daze –
or so we’re often told, in tales
for fifty pence in jumble sales.
But can one trust the yearnings frantic
written by the pen romantic,
or might one find a mate specific
with methods that are scientific?

A northern university
has tested men’s capacity
to rise in anger, turn a slight
annoyance into full-on fight;
and found that when a man is tall
he’ll anger faster than if small.
So there’s one-third of our fine phrase
that goes against what science says.

Our hero’s locks should be exclusive,
not coarse or common – or elusive.
Dark hair’s distressingly widespread;
blond looks too female on male head.
Though auburn with a hint of curl
belongs (in romance) on a girl,
it’s red of the most coppered kind
that’s rarest of the shades, you’ll find.

And handsomer than stars above
may be the antidote to love,
especially for those of us
brought up to scorn the ego’s fuss.
Science says that we'd be silly
to paint our somewhat dowdy lily,
for we'd be shamed to be the mate
of manly beauty that’s first-rate.

Our hero, in the tale antique,
should only woo with looks, not speak;
but reading through the dating site,
it seems the first pre-requisite
is sense of humour, and it’s reckoned
conversation comes close second.
So silent, handsome, dark, and tall
don’t seem to cut much ice at all.

What author, though, would ever dare
create a hero with red hair,
of stature short, with features kind
but definitely worn and lined;
whose eyes are grey, not black or blue;
who uses words to tease, not woo?
Yes, one has done it, but no other;
I know her as my husband’s mother.