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Poetry


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Death

By ArchAngel

18 June 2008

..Well..this one is from my senior year in high school..it's been about a year..but here it is..

Death is a wolf
It's fur of the shadows
And eyes as golden as the sun
Once you see it, you must look twice
It disappears from sight

It walks with a limp on the right shoulder
It holds cloak like wings on it's back
When the mouth opens, it's teeth are of pearls
it's tongue drips of blood from it's victums.
It sneaks through the night, unseen

During the day, it takes from of a boy.
His hair as black as night, his clothes normally worn.
His shirt is stained with blood, 'Death' written on
His head is down as he walks
His pace slow, a never changing monotone

Once he looks up, his eyes catch you
Their golden color turning red
His face turns into that of a wolf
It's mouth opens, teeth blinding you
The smell of blood engulfs your nostrils

Soon it's jaws close
Darkness all around you.

Reviews

Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 18th June 2008

May I ask you what feedback did you get from your teacher? What had you been talking about and what was she expecting from a poem? You have made death sound like a terrible beast. Is this how you feel or is it the image your teacher wanted you to portray? Lots of questions to answer please. Thanks

Written by Brett (979 comments posted) 18th June 2008

Sorry, but as far as both content and structure goes, I find this very poor - I don't understand why you feel the need to put certain words in 'bold' - the language of a poem should be strong enough for the reader to know instinctively what words are driving the emotion or message.

Still this is only one amateur's opinion you understand?

Cheers

Written by strangeloop (10 comments posted) 19th June 2008

This could be an okay poem if you replaced all of the cliches and used stronger adjectives. For example-
simply using a wolf as a metaphor for death is a cliche.
"as golden as the sun" is a cliche
"sneaks through the night" is a cliche
"his hair black as night" is a cliche.
and descriptive words such as "disappears" "drips" and "darkness" could all be replaced by stronger words.
I like the concept though. Keep it up!
Good luck!

hmmm
Written by ArchAngel (1 comments posted) 19th June 2008

Mind you this was one of my first..and I used the bold and italics to imphezies the words..Again...Poems are not my strong point.

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