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By CatGem
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18 June 2008 |
Her hand
Suspended
Hung lazily
From a
Pearl pale
Arm
Palm up
Index out
Not quite
Pointed
Not quite
Crooked
Disinterested
Disengaged
Detached
DeMilo's
Lost appendage
Awaiting
Tribute
Or
Change
Whichever
Comes
First
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Know that feeling well
Written by bobc (50 comments posted) 17th June 2008 | | If I read this right...boredom? |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | A lovely piece of observation - I like the concentrated form of it, and "pearl-pale" was good. However, personally I have a bit of a problem with single word lines. In free verse (which I don't do much of, as yet) I usually try to break the lines where a breath might occur. I guess you were deliberately trying to get a disjointed and detached feel to this gesture you observed. Just out of interest, I re-phrased it like this:
Her hand, suspended,
hung lazily from a pearl-pale arm.
Palm up, index out:
not quite pointed,
not quite crooked.
Disinterested,
disengaged,
detached.
DeMilo's lost appendage,
awaiting tribute or change;
whichever comes first.
| Thank you bob and veronica...
Written by CatGem (33 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | for taking the time to read and review :-)
Yes, bob, boredom -- and a kind of lazy expectancy... laughs
Veronica - how kind of you to take the time/trouble to rewrite -- I've read both aloud a few times and while I do like yours very much, it's not quite the same effect that I was looking for. I realize that my free verse is odd in many ways -- I blame my training as an actor many years ago... laughs... I believe I take your "break where you breathe" point to an extreme and write my verse exactly as I hear it in my head - not only with breath breaks but with pauses and asides and afterthoughts, etc.
I really can't thank you enough for taking the time and care to re-write so that I may see the two side by side - very, very helpful and interesting
Thank you both again. | Nice
Written by strangeloop (10 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | | I enjoyed the use of line breaks here. While I know what veronica means, I think the way you arranged this poem puts more dramatic emphasis on certain words and painted a better picture for me. When certain words are segregated it subtly creates a different feel. Not so rushed. Not so superficial. Good post. | thank you, strangeloop
Written by CatGem (33 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | | and thank you for explaining it bettter than i did, too! :-) |
Written by lovelysarah1984 (81 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | | It's nice to see something a bit different and it opens a wealth of ideas to others. Like Veronica I struggle to read/write like this - I have this urge to put commas and other punctuation in but it was very good! I love to see alliteration, it always adds such a good effect, makes the words tingle on my tongue! | thank you, sarah
Written by CatGem (33 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | I love alliteration too -- when it works -- ha ha
thank you so much for reading and commenting,
Stephanie |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | Captured a moment/feeling. As V says - a good bit of observation.
Phil |
Written by CatGem (33 comments posted) 18th June 2008 | | Thank you, Phil :-) |
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