As the credit crunch tightened its grip on the UK, the government of Bangladesh announced a short-term foreign aid programme to ease the looming catastrophe. A dramatic rise in the cost of living has meant that people who, only 10 years ago, could sit in a golf club and boast about the value of their property, are now forced to sue mortgage lenders, play the lottery, and live with the shame of only one holiday a year.

Watery-eyed street children in Chittagong watched emotionally as pieces of torn newspaper blew across the rubbish tips, showing ghostly images of empty garage forecourts, and harrowing scenes of frustrated housewives comparing grocery trolleys in Sainsbury’s.

“I feel so lucky,” said a cardboard-box collector in Dhaka, “with my mud hut, lame donkey, and odd visit to the mother-in-law during the monsoon season”.

“Think of your relatives in Brick Lane, no longer able to manage a quarterly international bank transfer,” said musician Jaj Howishaan, at his inaugural ‘Concert for Basingstoke’. “With their negative equity, in that awful British weather. It’s not much to ask the women and children of this country to work longer hours for lower wages, and help reduce the crippling overheads at Primark”.

Operation Biryani
Reports that some aid was getting through gained credence last night, when the Bangladeshi Air Force dropped several thousand tons of emergency poppadoms over Bradford city centre.

You too can help:
• One herd of enthusiastic oxen buys 20 cigarettes and a Bacardi Breezer to help a teenage mother cope with the stress of not being able to use a mobile phone for half an hour.
• A grandson and two maiden aunts will absorb the cost of one ready-meal and a skinny latte for an elderly couple in Droitwich.
• The sale of a hydro-electric power plant will contribute significantly to a 30-minute heart-warming after-dinner speech by Cherie Blair.