This is part one of a fantasy "threesome" ... I hope you'll enjoy ... constructive critique is always welcome.
Silently walking between the trees, through all the shades of green
and brown nature is able to create. A bird sings it's song to attract
one of it's own kind and build a happy family. Our footsteps make sounds
in the dry leaves we walk on and sometimes we crack a small branch with
stepping on it. Hand in hand sitting down on a trunk, that's overgrown
with ivy and moss, some mushrooms grow in a bed of grass and leaves.
Rays of sunlight pass through the branches of the huge trees around us
and they create a scene like in a fairy tale of long forgotten times.
Your arm around my shoulder and my head leaned at yours, we sit
silently and watch the magic around us when suddenly something catches
the eye but vanishes too fast to tell what it was. A rabbit? A bird?
Some kind of giggling comes out of the green, it sounds like a tiny
bell that rings in our heads. Is it just me or did you also see that
very small face, there in the raspberry bush? It's gone again but I am
pretty sure that I've seen it. A stitch near my ankle makes me look
down and I see this small creature poking me with a thorn. An impudent
smile appears on it's face and I can't help myself but smile as well. I
push you gently with my elbow to show you what has joined us and you
can see the fairy with the green hair and the dress made of leaves and
grass, too. We both barely dare to breathe, not to frighten this little
wonder we see.
The fairy grins, winks and runs fast, vanishing in the shadows of
the beech trees. A few seconds later it appears again ... with two of
it's sisters and they start to dance in a broad ray of sunlight. I can
almost hear the music they dance to and with a look at you, I can see
that you feel the same. Amazed, we watch the graceful moves of the
mystical creatures, not noticing time nor space, just being here, fused
with nature and open hearted for all the magic that's woven around us.
We don't notice the sun disappearing, we don't notice that it's
getting darker, because the fairies glow from within somehow. Without a
warning their dance stops and they run away, not without waving their
tiny hands one last time and smiling bright like the stars themselves.
We are not able to move for a moment, still enchanted by the scenes we
just had the pleasure to watch. A warmth fills our hearts and a light
and fluffy feeling makes us forget all the worries and fears.
Deep breathing, we are still sitting there when a silver glance
catches our eyes again. It's coming from behind an old, strong oak tree
and not blinding us with it's soft light that seems to be the moonlight
on earth. A head, almost like a horses head but with a horn, appears.
And then the most magical creature steps from out of the thicket and
takes our breath with it's pure majestic beauty ... a unicorn. Tears of
joy run down our cheeks when it lifts it's head, looks at us and nods,
like it wants to say that we are welcome in this space far from the
world man knows. A peace we never felt before falls down on us like a
warm blanket and we fall asleep, side by side, embraced in trust and
love.
And then a ray of sun wakes us with tickling our noses. We blink a
few times and get up, smiling and still feeling the magic and the
peace. Our hearts feel light and it's almost like being new born, when
we get up, asking the unspoken question of dream or reality.
Does it matter?
by Cream 2008
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Hello Cream Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 19th June 2008 |
I have a few thoughts on wording and sentence structure that might make this flow better as at the moment you don't really have one tone to the story. I see that you are trying to show us a beautiful and wondrous world but in some places the sentence wording breaks the tone so I would suggest, in my own opinion, the following changes: we crack a small branch with stepping on it - maybe change this to 'by stepping on it', to me 'with' sounds a bit out of place in the sentence. they create a scene like in a fairy tale of long forgotten times. - This might just need juggling about a bit like... 'creating a fairy tale like scene of long forgotten times' my head leaned at yours - 'my head leans on yours' perhaps? because the fairies glow from within somehow - 'because the fairies seem to glow from within' will make this sentence a little smoother I think. when a silver glance catches our eyes again - 'silver glint' might be a better word for that Tears of joy run down our cheeks when it lifts it's head, looks at us and nods, like it wants to say that we are welcome in this space far from the world man knows. - This sentence might be better reworded - 'Tears of joy run down our cheeks when it lifts its head to look at us and nods as if it wants to say we are welcome here, in this space far from the world man knows.' Also I was wondering whether they would be crying. It seems a little fast to the emotion. Maybe describe how amazed they are and a description of how magnificent the creature is then it will make more sense to have 'tears of joy' 'And then a ray of sun wakes us with tickling our noses.' - Maybe trying 'Then a ray of sunshine wakes us, tickling our noses' Otherwise I think this piece has plenty of potential. I see what you are trying to do. I just think it will be better with these edits. I just how you build up the picture and would like to see this progress. Thanks Goddess x
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Written by Mr_E_Writer (187 comments posted) 19th June 2008 |
Hello Cream, here is my constructive critique. Work on your grammar and punctuation. Think about how things might be better said. "A bird sings it's song to attract one of it's own kind and build a happy family." A bird sings a song to attract a mate and, unless you are aiming your story at small children, the idea of birds building a happy family is a just too sickly sweet. Show more, tell less: You do this, you do that. I do this, I do that. Look for passages that make no sense when placed together. E.g. "Silently walking between the trees... Our footsteps make sounds in the dry leaves... I can see what you are trying to do but think it can be done better. Eric. |
Written by KaydieKate (63 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
I liked it. Beautiful imagery. Just be careful of run-on sentences. If it looks too long, then it is.
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