A lot of blood, sweat and tears (and a few curses) have been put into this and still I am not happy. Taking what I am currently learning about iambic pentameter and mixing it with the June challenge I have come up with this. I have used 'roots' to mean tree roots and our roots as a country although I am sure you could tell that for yourself!
Anyway, here goes...
I started back some many years ago,
And through the English ground my roots do flow.
As strong and as proud as any other,
I am standing tall beside my brother.
From way up here I have seen many things,
I have been witness to the reign of kings.
I have seen many great wars, battles won,
I have watched man walk and then slowly run.
My roots are your roots, they are ours to share,
Grown from the same soil, breathing the same air.
And very proud to be English am I,
And like my roots may England never die.
|
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
Hi Sarah, can't comment with any passion on the content (I'm Welsh) but the third line of the first stanza only has four beats (or stresses) every other line being in pentametre. A monor gripe of mine, but I did enjoy the second stanza.
Cheers |
Minor gripe
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
| is what I meant - unless you prefer to think I misspelt 'moaner'! |
Written by lovelysarah1984 (81 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
| Lol no I got it. Thanks Brett. I'm really not happy with this but it's all practise! |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
Sarah, practising is what we are all doing!
All the best |
good start!
Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
now some ideas for you on things you might improve (since you say you're still not happy!)
"I started back [some many years ago]" has other connotations... perhaps you mean "I first sprang up here many years ago".
"And through the English ground my roots do flow."
The metre would be neater (than to be a biscuit-eater, in the mor-rr-nin' - oh, sorry) if you took out that "do" - always a warning sign of something not being right metrically.
I had a hack at the rest, for my own private amusement, but it's your poem, so just have a look at my suggestion for the first stanza:
I first sprang up here many years ago.
My roots in English ground grow deep and slow.
And tall and proud am I, as all my kind,
As strong and silent as the earth I bind.
And for the last line of 3rd stanza - it has the right number of syllables, but the stresses are wrong:
"And very proud to be English am I" ???
If you insist on the inverted verb (am I), then this works better:
"And proud to be of English stock am I."
The content, being patriotic and fairly generalized, works okay - my remarks here are aimed at the way you have tried to use pentameter, since this seemed to be what you were asking about.
|
Written by lovelysarah1984 (81 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
Thank you again! Yes I can always work on content later but it is getting the technique down that I have to conquer first and I will. Your comments are very helpful fellpony!
I might have to post another version of this in a few days once I have had time to tweak! |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 19th June 2008 |
Sarah, yes, I too can see where you went wrong. You have obviously been studying the first part of the book concerning iambic pentameter - 5 iambic feet to the line. Fellpony has really helped you with the third and fourth line. I find pentameter a bit difficult because four feet is much easier for myself. But if I have to write it, I read it first of all: Grey's Elegy is good:
The curfew tolls the knell of parting day
The lowing herd wind slowly all the lea
etc. Then I will clap my hands to the rhythm to get it fixed in my mind, and then it is a good thing to write a few sentences of your own using it:
eg: The wind is blowing ripples on the lake
I wonder if I'll make a cake today
etc.
Then try it. This is just a warm-up, like doing scales on the piano before you play in a certain key. Poetry is like music and dancing and that is why they call the beats "feet".
I'm really glad you are trying it, and don't worry, we all found it difficult but well worth it. It is rather addictive.
PS Here's another line that needs attention:
I have watched man walk and then slowly run.
You could say: A man must learn to walk and then to run.
Or: Before a man can run, he first must walk. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
