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By kitten_princess
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15 December 2005 |
Break ups aren't nice. I'm still hurting, and I'm confused and paranoid about a lot of things. I personally don't think this poem is very good, but comments are more than welcome... I'm okay.
As I sit in class, and watch the leaves outside
Rustle, like each sheet of my
Notes, while the music of numbers
Floats, amongst dreams on the lake of my mind Dead dreams. Revived by a
Thirst, or bloody hunger.
Seeking flesh, murder, revenge
Peaking to a pity. Pity me. I'm okay, that's what I tell everyone who
Asks me. As the tears form
Rivers on my cheek
Driven to desperation, am I? Our roundabout's still turning. We
Used to twirl around until I got
Dizzy, then you'd hold me, the
Fizzy feeling rushing to my toes. That's gone.
You're gone. I'm still okay...? |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 16th December 2005 | | As ever, it's difficult to review the substance of such a personal poem - but for what it's worth, I think you express the confusion and the clash of emotions in the situation very powerfully. The structure you've chosen, with the internal rhymes on each 3rd and 4th line, is very interesting, and gives a sense of coherence to the whole - a feeling that there's a pattern, not just a random outpouring of angst! And I loved "peaking to a pity"... | I'm impressed
Written by shadowplay (41 comments posted) 16th December 2005 | This is quite obviously a very emotional poem for you but in that way it is one that we can all relate to. For a long time I misunderstood the reason for poetry and I wrote about things that meant little to me.
However, when something really upset me- particularly about love in later years- I would write more and more stuff like this and still think it was absolute shite! But the thing is, it can touch us so much more because thus contained is raw emotion. We're identifying with it.
I really enjoyed this poem, and it shows that actually you might be coping better than you first thought. It is more difficult than one might think to combine so many strong thoughts in something so well written as your poem. The rhyme scheme nearly went past me and I'm very impressed by it.
There are a small handful of things I'm not so keen on; for example, I don't see any need for the commas after 'rustle' and 'floats' although I do realise the pattern you're trying to make. To me it spoils the nice, introductory rhythm but I do realise that punctuation is a matter of personal taste.
I think you disrupt the flow of this piece by putting 'am I?' after 'driven to desperation'. Whereas the poem seems to be going forward till that point, when you question yourself it goes backwards. I'd just eradicate it altogether.
The last stanza is my favourite because it metaphorically brings the reader down to the misery and melancholy you're feeling. The 'That's gone / You're gone' is a fantastic way to represent the grim realisation of something so precious lost.
All in all, an excellent poem throughout. I can't say that enough- or not since I've rambled on already. I hope you feel better, but you might have to feel awful to keep writing stuff like this. Congrats.
Jon
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