Interesting form, but I found it hard work.
For those few nights she was entirely mine,
Her matrimonial vows seemed without sin,
And her responses to my verse and rhyme
Sweet notes; a virtuoso's violin.
To all else she was just a pseudonym,
For me that masquerade reached the sublime.
And in my lap like Keats' Madeline
For those few nights she was entirely mine.
That tender time when we did first recline
And I placed my dry lips upon her skin,
Then tasted of her as of vintage wine
Her matrimonial vows seemed without sin.
I took to her as an amphetamine,
for one that promised wildness, yet benign,
for she prised out a poet from within
And her responses to my verse and rhyme.
And when I knelt before her holy shrine
Her ecstasy did chant a godless hymn,
Such music still awakes me from decline,
Sweet notes; a virtuoso's violin.
Never one for gods or discipline,
And not one for the feckless concubine,
I tell to you, my love, most genuine
I will pray or else kill all my time
For those few nights.
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fantastic Written by meadowcroft1964 (102 comments posted) 19th June 2008 |
| To me it smacks of the pure virginity that comes with first love I hope you understand want I mean.Violet P.S. I bow to your genius |
Great Written by lovelysarah1984 (81 comments posted) 20th June 2008 |
This is amazing! It's everything a good poem should be! I love the repitition of some lines and the rhyme and everything else about it! Good work Brett! Sarahxxx |
Technical Ecstasy Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 20th June 2008 |
A terribly difficult form you have chosen here. I note that throughout you only have two rhymes to work with - you must write all the possible words down first and cross them off as you use them. I asked for a happier love poem and this seems a bit more like it, although only "for those few nights". But that gives it sufficient pathos. "And when I knelt before her holy shrine Her ecstasy did chant a godless hymn," Phwoar! as KTJ would undoubtedly say. The British Board of Poetry Censors would not pass that one for the under-eighteens. A bit boastful, though, boyo!
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 20th June 2008 |
Lovely, Brett. Beyond me to pick apart - works extremely well as a whole. Phil |
Incredible! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 20th June 2008 |
Cripes Brett! You've done it again for me, my man! I wonder and ponder at the cruel form . . . But you weave it so naturally . . . Veronica! 'Phwoar!' Yes, absolutely, but in this instance I would add more emphasis for Brett's piece, giving: "Phwoooooooooooaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!" If you get my drift? Ha! BTW sorry Brett, but 'Knealt' [sic]???? Is this olde English or a typo? Cheers! KYJ |
Thanks for your comments Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 21st June 2008 |
Violet - it's not first love, but I think I know what you mean. And certainly no genius (an aspirationless drunk, but no genius) just hard work! Thank you. Sarah - thanks for your kind words. The form dictates that each sentence of the first stanza be repeated at the end of the following four stanzas and that the final stanza finish with the first two metrical feet of the poem's opening line. V - Yes, that is usually my modus operandi (and sorry if it sounded boastful). Phil - Thank you. Tolstoy - Thanks for noticing the typo, must stop writing and posting when under the sauce. Cheers |
Not for me... Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 21st June 2008 |
'It's everything a good poem should be!''Technical Ecstasy'. Hi Brett, Seems I'm a lone voice here, but this one just didn't do it for me. It does have some very original end-rhymes, - 'pseudonym' and 'amphetamine' for example. My main problem with it is the occasional mangled syntax and forced rhyme: 'when we did first recline' 'Her ecstasy did chant' 'tasted of her as of vintage wine' 'I will pray or else kill all my time' All sound awkward to me. Is it just me, or are people beguiled by the difficult sounding names of technical forms, transfixed by those end rhymes? Hope I'm not being too negative here. Cheers.
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Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 21st June 2008 |
You have a penchant - not to say a bent - for these tightly constrained forms. Since you manage them so well, I don't mind the occasional inverted verb but I have to agree with NR about two of the lines he notices: 'when we did first recline' 'Her ecstasy did chant' Overall, bitter-sweet - I wonder why I ended with the feeling that the marriage was short? |
I'm puzzled, Rob . . . Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 21st June 2008 |
. . . by your comments above. Such a fiendishly difficult form pretty much necessitates some examples of 'awkward' syntax, as you yourself found with 'Love is a Paradelle' (which, as you know, I greatly admired and tried to emulate). Given the constraints of the form, I find Brett's poem remarkably 'unforced'. The occasional 'did' affirmative past tense fits the overall style, and I see nothing forced in your other two examples. Poetry, by its nature, does not read 'naturally' - else it would be prose. But this is only my humble opinion, you understand?! Let's see a 'Rondeau Redouble' from your good self - jolly difficult, I'm sure! Cheers! John X |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 21st June 2008 |
Nathan and Sue, thankyou for your comments. Some valid remarks, perhaps I should try writing these forms when sober! Cheers |
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