A Rondeau Redouble of my own!
I've been reading Wendy Cope's "Making Cocoa for Kingsley Amis" which gave me the idea of a flippant tone with a formal form.
I added the extra stanza while enduring detention for Bad Form.
LONG DISTANCE LOVE
Forgive me, love, I sense a little cooling
I do not wish to whinge or be unkind,
it seems to me, your ardour needs refuelling;
that out of sight, with you, means out of mind.
Our love's not deaf or dumb, but maybe blind.
At times, I wonder who we think we're fooling.
Now this relationship is undermined;
forgive me, love, I sense a little cooling.
I'd rather we were loving and not duelling!
I'd rather that our limbs were intertwined!
A week ago, we had each other drooling;
I do not wish to whinge or be unkind.
To spending time apart we are resigned.
I'd rather that the journey was less gruelling.
Before our love is to the past consigned,
it seems to me your ardour needs refuelling.
I'll take this as a lesson for my schooling.
It's the opinion of the undersigned
(your own opinion I am overruling)
that out of sight, with you, means out of mind.
I hope our love is merely misaligned
and soon I'll cease this pestilential mewling.
I'll sit alone, and try hard to unwind,
and pour myself another Lagavulin.
Forgive me, love.
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Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 20th June 2008 | Very different in tone to Brett's. There's an almost comic undertone here - not in the words as such, but the delivery. And there I'm a little worried I may have read this one 'wrong' as the words do not suggest humour.
Having reread, it has an almost didactic feel. Almost, mother and child.
Apologies if I have the wrong end of the stick.
The rhythms accentuate the pattern without it becoming overt - something I'm always envious of. Whatever I've waffled about above - I thought this was excellent.
Phil
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Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 20th June 2008 | You're quick to pick up on a form, I'll give you that, V.
I don't know how long this took you, but mine took bloody hours.
A cold poem, but faultless in its form.
Cheers | clever...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 20th June 2008 | ... as one would expect from you
The form itself demands rhyme - and rhyme and rhyme -- and therefore in the effort to obtain enough of them there is sometimes a reduction to the slightly bathetic choice
Mentioned this otherwheres .
Enjoyable , for its intellectual content .
patterjack |
Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 20th June 2008 | | Is bathos what I mean by a comic undertone? | Brilliant! Bathos?
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 20th June 2008 | Ah, V. . . . . Superb, as ever!
Hilarious, but at the same time sad in feel, and awesome in construction!
I think I get your idea - I'm rather puzzled by some review points above . . .
Cold? No! Bathetic? Yes!
Intellectual content? No! (I mean - what?! The form is clever, but it's not rocket-science PJ!)
Phil - 'bathos' is a worrying concept that I can't put into abstract explanation . . . 'comic undertone' isn't enough for me, it's something else.
To borrow and mangle 'Sir Nigel''s image:
'Your life is soaked by the seasons - my love, an abandoned cardboard box, going soggy in the rain.'
[not a direct quote, you understand? Otherwise litigation looms!]
Or the best, Morrissey's:
'"Oh! Take me to the Heaven of your bed!" was something that you never said . . .'
Anyway, back to the poem in question above . . .
Some gentle bathos, yes - overall?
Phwoooooargh! Fantastic stuff!
Funnily enough, my favourite line is the last 'addendum' 'Forgive me, love.'
That's great 'bathos' for me!
Cheers Veronica!
Katie Jay X
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Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Upon rereading what is an excellent poem, V, it has struck me that, as the form dictates, there should be another stanza. After the four lines of the first stanza have all been repeated there is then another stanza which is then ended with the poem's opening two metrical feet. A minor gripe, but I didn't invent the form.
Still a great piece, though.
Cheers |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | With the above reviewers. Enjoyable and witty. The '-ing' rhyme was particularly clever and the words comical. It must take intuitive skills to fit such a poem into this grilling form.
Enjoyed very much.
BTW, poets seem to have unique voices. Brett's "Rondeau Redouble" reminded me of intense historical romance genre, and you remind me of intelligent chicklit genre that features modern egalitarian women. Hmmm...
Mia  |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (794 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Thank you all for your kind reviews! Apart, of course, from Mr Evans, the Form Tutor, who dictates that I shall write another stanza. There's only one other rhyme I can think of that will fit the bill and it is one that should resonate with you, Brett, particularly.
Will post edited form soonest, and stick to sonnets in future! | Excellent!
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Thank you for the extra stanza - pour me a large one and we'll say no more!
Cheers |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | Haven't read the above reviews so I apologise if I repeat what others have already said.
Liked it very much, particularly the use of "drooling". Found the last stanza unnecessary though- I've never managed to reconcile myself to formal form personally! |
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