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By bobc
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21 June 2008 |
Looking through the colored glass of youth
All I saw was beauty in the colored light
Now the shattered pieces cut my grasp
And leave me blinking in unfiltered sight
The new baked cookie's melted power
Spreading seducing flavor on my tongue
Leaving only hunger chasing life's crumbs
Should've saved a few 'til after I was young
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Written by briarcroft (38 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Two very apt metaphors for wasted youth!
I'm not sure about the word "spewing" though it may convey what you wish. I'd prefer a softer "spreading", I think.
And you'll want to correct "tongue" too. And 'til might be a bit more visually poetic?
I think you have a very strong visual in each stanza, so a little tweaking will refine it. |
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | The first stanza is very strong, especially the final line.
I have to agree with briarcroft regards the word 'spewing' but it is your poem.
Cheers |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Found the thought expressed in this poem very relatable. Like Brett, found the first stanza strong. Waking up from the romantic idealism and illusion of youth to the painful reality of life is expressed well through the imagery of the shattered stained glass.
The second stanza didn't seem as strong, but I understood the regret concerning the excess of youth and squandering of selfhood that often accompanies it.
Poignant.
Mia  |
Written by bobc (51 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | | Thanks all! The changes and correction of spdellikng are working well and I changed cookie to cookies. The second stanza is weak. I'll do some work on that. Again, Thanks. | spelling
Written by bobc (51 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | *ugh*  |
Written by fellpony (1821 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Your re-write of the 1st line of st2 needs an apostrophe after the S of cookies to indicate possession. Tongue only has one U in it. Should've has an L in it.
I think the weakness of the second stanza is that the metrical rhythms become rather jumbled - they are neither one thing nor another and it becomes hard to hear where the stresses ought to fall.
I like the metaphor a lot and think the poem's worth a bit of work.
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Written by bobc (51 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | | Thanks fellpony. I agree, the meter gets tortured. I was looking at the layout of it and not the sound. Speaking it outlound to myself helps. |
Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | With the above. First verse strong - a very well expressed metaphor and feeling.
Phil |
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