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Shorts
Blue Eyes
By Thievesfire
22 June 2008
OK here is my first short story ^^

It's a descriptive piece which I hope you will enjoy.

Spooks

XX

It was raining. The shadows of the buildings flooded the streets, the few lamps which littered the sidewalk were lit, the flames within leaping from the howling wind. It was no place for a young girl to walk alone. The heels of her boots clicked along the ground, competing with the heavy rain for dominance of sound. Wet strands of hair clung to her skin; the make up which she had worn ran down her face, a demented clown rather than a beautiful girl. No man would want her company for an evening whilst she looked this way. But the bundle which lay in her arms was enough to make everyone stay away from her, the haunted look in her eyes told of a spirit broken. The driving rain hammered against windows and doors all around her, drenching the clothing she wore. A common whore for a unsatisfied gentleman. The frowning town houses which lined the streets glared down at her, cursing the ground she walked. The wind whispered what she had done; every raindrop which fell reflected her dark deeds.

 

The long skirt of her dress dragged along the ground, puddles staining the fabric. The rouge which had been smothered on her cheeks was gone, her face pale, ghost like. She could have been dead, nobody would have cared less. The family she had left so long ago had new children, they didn’t want her anymore. The fabric which she cradled in her arms concealed something dear, something frowned upon.

 

She could tell she wasn’t alone. These Victorian streets shouldn’t be walked be girls such as her. There were dangers about, horrors which plagued the streets. The rain fell and she walked on. She seemed to know she was being followed. She didn’t scream. She didn’t try to run away. His footsteps were heavier than hers, puddles scattered as his boots hit them. His breathing fouled the air, laboured. She could almost smell him approach her. But she didn’t change her course or even look over her shoulder. She kept on walking, dragging her dress along the ground, the water pattered down on her body wetting the bundle in her arms. He was wet too. It didn’t inhibit either of them.

 

He was getting closer.

 

His pace was faster than hers, he was in a hurry. The flames from the lamplights jumped, the light from them flickering on the walk way. Girls like her were in danger from men like him. The street was ending. To turn left or right could mean escape, but she stopped. She stood and stared at the sign which creaked above a brokers shop as it swung back and forth. The rain fell and the wind blew, tossing her sodden hair and clothing around. She didn’t seem to notice, she didn’t even blink. Her eyes were blue, abnormally so. He would have noticed if he had looked in the window of the shop. She could see him come to a halt behind her.

 

The top hat upon his head made him seem taller than he really was. She saw something glimmer as he raised his arm, something silver, sleek and sharp. It fell down through the air towards her. But she wasn’t afraid. She turned her body and faced him.

 

A gun shot echoed through the night.

 

His body fell unto the ground, his clothing wetted beyond sodden. Blood blossomed over his breast, mixing with the water and falling down to the road. His face was shocked, his mouth hung open in horror. The knife clutched in his hand had been ready to murder.

 

Smoke billowed about her, the pistol in her hand hot from use. She looked down at it, held in her hands; she was calm as she wrapped it once again in the mess of fabric. She turned and walked away. The click of her heels disappearing into the night.

Reviews
Hey
Written by littledom2008 (95 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
Very nice discriptions and an interesting ending. Well done. 
 
D.C

Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
Nice first effort. I like the twist at the end. 
 
The biggest problem I saw is the tendency to use too many words when less will do. Example: "the make up which she had worn ran down her face..." HER MAKE-UP RAN DOWN HER FACE. 
 
At the end of the first paragraph you write: "The wind whispered what she had done; every raindrop which fell reflected her dark deeds." The way it reads, one would think the wind knew she had killed a man yet she doesn't commit the deed until later. I think it needs clarification. 

Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
It is a creditable first effort. 
 
The biggest sin in any writing is to be boring. I got to the end of this fine - which is far from always the case - so main job done well. 
 
You pull the reader in pretty well. I wanted to know more about what she was carrying - a baby, I assume. 
 
While the ending worked well enough, it was a little dissatisfying. After mentioning the baby (?) several times, it was odd you didn't include something related to that in the end. 
 
It is overwritten in places. Perhaps old fashioned in style as well as setting. Often - at least for my taste - it's better to leave the reader some space to draw their own pictures and fill their own details in. Painting with a broad brush, I suppose. 
 
Hope this is of some use. Just the ramblings of a rank amateur! 
 
Phil
Thanks
Written by Thievesfire (77 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
Hey guys thanks for your crits ^^ 
 
Just to clarify a few things 
 
Emmutt just to say with your comment about the rain - it's insinuating that she has killed before - this is not her first murder. 
 
Phil - *grins* you were meant to assume she was carrying a baby though I never mentioned one. It is simply the gun wrapped up in fabric. 
 
Overwritten - true but I was going for description to the utmost detail, too much for many people I know but I was trying out something which I hadn't done before. 
 
Thank you for critting ^^ 
 
Spooks 
 
XX

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
I've always felt you were a talented writer (I've read quite a bit of your SF, and was impressed.) But as I've said before, if you cut out the detail in your writing by about 15-20%, I think it will enhance your writing. Right now, I have to say, the detail, after a few paragrahs, was on the verge of becoming a little tedious for me.  
 
On the other hand, details work for some writers. Diana Gabaldon writes 900+ page novels because she writes a lot of detail, but she is very readable. Maybe you will develop into one of those writers, too. Maybe detail is your style... hmmm... 
 
Mia 8)

Written by Canadian_Bacon (120 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
I can only repeat what others have said; good effort, but over-written. If you plan of editing this, go back and re-think your use of the word "which". It's one the worst offenders in this story, and you used it quite a bit. 
 
-Mike
Strong Stuff!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 22nd June 2008
I agree with those above, but . . . 
 
I actually think this is really good - there are too many brilliancies to quote. 
 
Yes, okay, cut out the 'witches' . . .  
 
But, otherwise, you've got a great thing going herre, IMHO 
 
More please! 
 
John X

Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 23rd June 2008
You paint quite a picture...but even for a small piece like this, some of the things got repetitive for me...like the mention of wet clothes and hair for one. Also, was she a prostitute, if she was, why would the man want to kill her, I mean won't he want to take her home? And even if she wasn't, I didn't see any reason for him to murder him, it seemed implausible to me. But, the piece does have potential...and a great effort for a first piece...good going...welcome to GW...write, read and enjoy... 
 
Regards, 
TT
Good start
Written by Becca2010 (24 comments posted) 29th June 2008
I thought that this was pretty good for a first try... It was a little bit confusing to me because at the beginning of the story she stated that: 
 
"No man would want her company for an evening whilst she looked this way." 
 
But then she states:  
 
"These Victorian streets shouldn’t be walked by girls such as her." 
 
"Girls like her were in danger from men like him." 
 
It just kind of contradicts itself kind of in my opinion... maybe not haha  
 
I really like the ending though. OH and in these victorian streets shouldnt be walked BY girls such as her.. you have be lol I do that all the time!  
:grin

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