Please see 'Road Kill' to put this into context . . .
A bit self-indulgent? Yes!
I have been very touched by the reviews of 'Road Kill'.
Thought I'd finish it off . . .
Like the first, this is absolutely true narrative - the stain, the rose, the puking . . .
I did all this today . . .
Knackered!
As ever . . .
John X
A Wild White Rose
I cut a wild white garden rose
and placed her on the spot –
it won’t help the squirrel now,
but it helped me quite a lot . . .
The rose lay peaceful for a while
and then a car came by –
her petals were blown to smithereens
and still I wonder why
Death arrives so suddenly
random in his search
unseeing and unthinking
he knocks us off our perch!
I close my eyes and say a prayer
for pain that’s yet to come . . .
I throw up on the pavement
and think of you and some
who never see the colours
of Life so rich and vivid –
a purple stain on the pavement,
spreads vile and warm and livid.
I cut a wild white garden rose
And place her on the spot . . .
It will never help the squirrel now,
but it helps me quite a lot!
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Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
| Having read Road Kill And then the sequel I can understand how you felt at the time. I have been lucky in my driving and only once had to do something with the dead body I had just run over. But, at times, I have to pull over to the side of the road and throw up in the tabledrain because of the horrible mutilated mess there was on the road. Man's inventions don't take into consideration the wanderings of mother nature's animals. |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
| Having read Road Kill And then the sequel I can understand how you felt at the time. I have been lucky in my driving and only once had to do something with the dead body I had just run over. But, at times, I have to pull over to the side of the road and throw up in the tabledrain because of the horrible mutilated mess there was on the road. Man's inventions don't take into consideration the wanderings of mother nature's animals. |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (95 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Floggin' a dead squirrel! This puts the concerns of wt nicely into context. |
he knocks us off our perch! Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
I'm sure this has the same depth of feeling for the writer as the first, but it doesn't come across quite as well. The jaunty rhythm and rhyme (I think) distances your feelings from the feelings the reader (at least this one) gets on reading. There was a hint of that in the third from last in the first piece. Not outright crit - you've written for a purpose about something that clearly touched a nerve, in you and others. I can't quite work out why this doesn't work as well as the last as they are both similar in form. Perhaps lines like:
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Damn... Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Perhaps lines like:He knocks us off our perch! with an exclamation mark, have comic reverberations that take the focus away from what you meant. Sorry to pick. I hope this helps - course, I could be talking a load of old tosh. The review above my first should be ignored for the irrelevance it is. Just another opinion. Phil |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Agree with Phil, here, Tolstoy, perhaps it's too much to expect to match up to the original piece as that was so sincerely felt. Also agree with Phil regarding that irrelevant review! Cheers |
Phil my Cup! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Sorry for the Philerevous (frivolous) title - I'm too stressed to be overly serious . . . What you say is 100% spot on for me - thank you, my friend! And I mean that . . . I guess I'm trying to be kind of 'mock-sentimental' at the same time as being genuine? Difficult to pull off, as it were (Oh, Ha! Let's not get smutty here . . .) Very tricky - I think the first one was definitely better, as you say. The second was written when I was very bored, rather than moved . . . I did actually do 'the rose thing', more as an experiment with my own feelings than for any 'nee-noo, nee-noo' reasons, if you get my drift? Much to ponder - the 'perch' line I felt dubious about from the start, but comedy was my aim. I mean TT has a point - there's a limit to how much tragedy one can get out of a single squashed squirrel, compared with wt's stuff about soldiers and children dying in Iraq . . . What d'ya reckon? Cheers! KYJ X |
Sorry Brett! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Your review came in while I was replying to Phil above . . . My comments and questions apply equally to your good sef! Many thanks - I think we three are like-minded on this and other issues? KYJ X |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
I reckon if we all wrote about the same stuff it would be a very boring world. Writing that's worth the time and effort to read is that which moves the reader in some way; sadness, laughter, tears, enjoyment, whatever. Writing about serious things may be a worthy thing to do (there are many things that could be classed as worthy - escorting old ladies across the road for example) but the subject doesn't create a good piece of writing, the writer does. To suggest a piece of writing is not to be considered seriously because the subject is not a serious one (if indeed that is the accusation) reveals a very narrow vision of life; the type of narrow vision that causes and fuels conflict in the first place. 'The way is mine and only mine,' says the tyrant. Time for a little more incredulity. Phil
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Here! Here! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Thank you so much, Phil! I agree wholeheartedly, but I couldn't find the words . . . You've done it for me . . . Respect! Yo! John X |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (95 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Phil said: Seen poetry recently? Pathetic. John said: Review the work, not the person Mister holier-than-thou, who are you to decide when something is irrelevant? Think we’re bigger than the site, do we? “Right,” said Phil, “Time to start a new thread Check the site rules See if it’s allowed.” Tried to shift me, couldn’t even lift me You were getting nowhere, And so you joined the gang of three. It’s up to you to decide when to call it a day. Stick to reviewing the work.
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Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Freedom of speech, wasn't it, Turk?
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Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
I think your problem is that in this you are getting close to bathos, KT - as you did in one stanza of Road Kill 1 (my heel upon that rictus stare to flatten that poor head, but round the corner came a van, which did my job instead.) Describing real events as they happen is difficult enough to do in prose, let alone in verse. Perhaps it is time to combine the thoughts in both poems into one, and do some ruthless pruning? |
Fellpony! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Thanks for this comment - a very interesting idea, which I shall pursue . . . Jolly difficult though, since each piece was written in an entirely different state of mind . . . Worth the effort of the discipline though! Cheers! If I manage it, I'll post a 'combined' attempt in due course! John X |
Jaunty! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
Yes, Phil. (This is going back up the page by several reviews) It's very difficult not to sound 'jaunty' with rhyming tetrameters ( well, actually it's ballad form - 4,3,4,3 etc) I think Emily Dickinson managed it? I find pentameters kind of 'cumbersome' and even more difficult . . . Comments welcome . . . "Bedtime?", said Zebedee! Cheers All! KT X |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
| I have read your first Road Kill John and this one. The first one nearly left me in tears for I love animals so much. I think you did an excellent poem, but for me, the first one was better than the second. The problem in this country is that people drive too fast. I have lived in Canada and travelled across Canada by train (many times) and bus too. I never saw animals killed on the roads there as I have here. Even the express coach must have been going along the highway slowly at about 40 mph. Poor animals have a right to share our world and they feel pain when they are hit as much as we do. They cannot speak, unfortunately, for they would have so much to say about sharing the world with horrors. Well done John! |
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