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By PinothyJ
23 June 2008

How can you resist a lovely little poem that pretty much wrote itself. The majority of this poem was written straight off the cuff to a dear friend of mine in an IM conversation we had. It's a rare thing for me to have a poem that writes itself so nicely.


I'm proud of this one Smile, I hope you enjoy it too...


one of the most beautiful songs
to which I have ever heard
it has no words
it has no words
that is what we are missing
that is what is present
if I could I would
if only I could

but all I have is the deepness of my heart
and a few strung words to help us get by

I have dreams in my head
give me the most perfect view
when I'm with you
when I'm with you
such simplistic melodies
whenever you're around
they play without sound
play, without sound

when I am alone I cannot stop thinking of you
and a few secret sighs to help us gets by

it's all the I love
it's all that's in you
to know nothing at all
but to still be in time
I hold this unto you
I hold this unto you

in intervals that each heart beat holds
in intervals that my heart holds true
but all I have is the deepness of my heart
and a few soft words, beating in time

Reviews

Written by Josie (2945 comments posted) 23rd June 2008
You have had 19 hits but no reviews, and for me, I can tell you why. You hve done this with small type and in blue, which against the pink is very difficult to read. Perhaps the others have found the same. Try changing the blue font to black. The other thing which I can barely make out is the fact that there seem to be no capital letters and full stops for sentences, which also makes it difficult to read. These things are easy to change.

Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 23rd June 2008
Josie has made a point regarding your chosen font, but to use capitals or punctuation is entirely up to you. I prefer them myself, but it is your poem we are reviewing! 
 
For me the weakness lies in its cliches, I feel that if you searched for less predictable words or phrases this may have some weight. Just one example: in your final stanza you use the word 'heart' in the first three lines, I think this diminishes the impact.  
But this is your poem and only my opinion. 
Cheers
Agree with too much 'Heart'.
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 23rd June 2008
. . . but I do like the final two lines: 
 
"but all I have is the deepness of my heart 
and a few soft words beating in time" 
 
This is lovely - just needs previous stucture and rhyme to make it really sing! 
 
IMHO, of course! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John X

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