I am Jill's complete lack of surprise.
I've sat in this moldy office before,
I've listen to the fat bald man groan on and on.

I counted the specks on the ceiling tiles,
I decided if the lady at the desk is wearing a wig,
I sit bored and tortured at my mother's pecking.

I hear her cry, I feel numb.

I wonder how much longer do I have,
I smile at their overly concern faces,
Such pathetic losers they are.

Time means much to me,
Not life nor love or even family,
Friends a few and far between.

I want to be left alone.

I am Jill's slowly raising frustration,
I hate it when his fat lips spit at me,
What does he know about me? Nothing.

I sit in the waiting room for an hour or two,
I sit in the office and waste more sands of time,
I sit in the car and listen to my parents bitch.

I am so very tired.

I'll I do is sit anymore and never move,
I sit in school for enteritiy from office chair to class desk,
I sit on the bus and get home to sit on the spot and get yelled at.

I watch kids play in the street and they are happy,
I watch myself in the mirror and see how miserable I am,
I need to get over everything before I drown.

I am slipping away.

I take a handful of Tylenol with some juice,
I eat a handful gummy bears and stop before I get fat,
I turn around and finish a bag of chips in one sitting.

I have at least one drink a night while sitting on the roof,
I wanna scream and howl at the moon but I'll look crazy,
I think jumping off the edge but realize I am already there.

I shake and crawl back.

Suicidal thoughts are hard to get rid of,
Think of doing yourself in and you think of a million ways,
Cutting your wrists? Nah, too messy.

Could I overdose? No, it's too much of a fad.
I could always hang myself? I rather keep breathing and let it slow down,
What about burning? I like to keep numb in the end.

I don't have what it takes.

I keep my head down in class and never answer when called,
I don't raise my hand at questions and don't know what's going on,
I play tag from office to next class every week day.

Do I need help? Yep, lots of it.
I should go to therapy, but a bar could do the same.
Could I get into religion? Preferably not.

Blessed mother, amen.


God is someone I know in word and never in vision,
God is someone taken in vain under this roof,
God is something far away and out of sight.

Satan is never around, my soul is not in trouble.
My head is always there, my pain is my problem.
Thoughts never shut up and memories keep on playing.

I can taste defeat.

I am Jill's heart skipping beats,
I see a face that could belong to Jesus,
I could cry at that angelic smile.

I feel like I am falling and something brings me to my feet,
I hear the voice of angels' singing and god's command,
I look into his eyes and I am being washed away by the current.

I feel the warmth.

I can not look away and I don't want to even if I could.
I am going home, I am raising to heaven, I am floating in the sea.
I smile in spite myself and I see he smiles back, My heart has stopped.

I don't want to die!
I have something to live for now!
I understand now what the Beetles were singing about!

Love is all you need.

In the morning I wake up happy and I feel like the sun when he smiles,
I stand close to smell the forbidden fruit and I lean close to hear the voice of god,
When his fingers light touch my shoulder I can imagen what love feels like.

I don't listen to my mind  anymore and shut it out with his voice,
I gladly eat candies but share them with him,
I sit on the roof with his hand in mine and not a can.

I could jump to the moon.

No more office visits and I spend most of my time not sitting,
I walk with him and talk to him, sometimes it's hard for him to understand,
I don't blame him and it doesn't help that people think I am crazy.

I am Jill's complete happiness and I practically float through the halls,
I need no pills to numb my pain, what pain?
I could run through fire and still feel wonderful.

I used to be my own worst enemy.

I look in the mirror and see a whole new person, I like what I see.
The 'Girl Interrupted' phase took a lot out of me but I think I am better,
I don't look up at the ceilings but straight ahead.

I hope this isn't a dream and I am still living the waking nightmare,
If I was stuck where I was any longer I would have gone over the edge,
I would have drowned, I would have fallen lower, I could have died.

I am glad my time wasn't up.

I heard the voice of god and felt his hand pick me up,
I hear the angels sing in the morning,
I sing along with them...