It’s been 6 months now since I buried her, not handling this very well really, I have to pull my socks up and get over it. I’ve come to realise what she actually did for me, I don’t mean the washing, cooking and cleaning, it was much more than that.

Our children, I realise that I don’t know them, I mean actually know them.

It’s never been the same since they were leaving secondary school, Andrew wanted to go into Nursing and Susan wanted to study Mechanic’s at University, I just could not understand it, it was like they had changed into what the other one should be doing.

I created, as usual, said what I thought, again as usual, they stomped off.

They still did what they wanted to, no thanks to me,

I argued and argued against it. Mum, well she was different she went quietly along and just supported them both in what they wanted, unbeknown to me she helped with the funding as well.

They were both at the funeral, Andrew lives quite close and I still see him, Susan, well we, I mean me, haven’t kept in touch, mum did regularly, she lives abroad married with two kids, nice chap really only really met him at the wedding. Mum went over to see them 2 or 3 times a year, I wouldn’t go, too stubborn really, not really keen on flying either.

Andrew came round 3 weeks ago and said why didn’t I go over like mum used to, just for a break, you never know you might like it. A part of really wanted to as I could now see so much of mum in Susan it was uncanny. Not really knowing what to say I looked at Andrew and made a kind of a ‘I don’t know’ kind of shrug. He handed over a package to me and asked me to open it, it was from Susan and the family, inside were pictures and a DVD. Andrew took the DVD from me and put it into the player, and there she was, saying hello, the kids as well and her husband. They said all together that they wanted me to come over and then with the video showed me around the house, and a room that I could have.

It did look nice, the weather was good and I did miss her.

They’re just saying that, she doesn’t want me after all the things I’ve said and done over the years! Andrew pressed a few buttons on the DVD machine and Susan came up on the screen.

"I know what you are thinking Dad so I have recorded this bit especially for you. I want you to come over for as long as you like; we all want you to come over for as long as you like. The past is the past and I know you did it for what you thought were the best of reasons. Mum loved here and there is quite a few of her touches here as well so you won’t feel isolated. One other thing Dad there will always be a return ticket for you to go back whenever you want, so what have you to loose, come on over, see you soon."

Andrew stopped the machine and said ‘I can’t add anything to that’ a part of me didn’t want to go and leave Andrew and his family. He jumped in straight away and said that with the school holidays how they are they have worked out they can have a month off and that they were going over. So I would be on my own for a month or I could spend it with the families and catch up.

It was oh so tempting, I needed to speak to Susan and hear her say the words, I would be able to tell in her voice what she really meant. Andrew sat on the chair arm next to me and put his arm around my shoulders, normally I would have berated him for such a sloppy thing but right now it felt right. I said I would like to speak to Susan and hear what she says, and how she says it. Andrew picked up the telephone and rang the number, how he remembers all that long string of numbers I don’t know I still have them written down.

Susan’s husband came on the telephone, Andrew spoke and then asked if Susan was in, She came on the telephone and Andrew said Dad wanted to speak to you, my heart was racing. How silly is that being nervous speaking to your own daughter! She said hi and I said hello, ‘what did you think of the DVD’, I said you can’t mean you want me to come over to you? She gave a little laugh and said ‘if I didn’t I went to an awful lot of trouble with the DVD and making up the room’.

I went quiet, she said put Andrew on please, I handed over the receiver, and they talked, I didn’t listen I was just thinking. Andrew broke the silence in me by giving me an envelope, inside was a return air ticket, he handed me the telephone and Susan said ‘what more can I say, get on that plane and come over!’ Okay I will, and thanks Susan, ‘oh shut up, we all want you over, see you on the tarmac.’

I walked towards the airport terminal pushing a trolley with a solitary suitcase and overcoat folded neatly over. Approaching the door, it opened automatically, and closes when I passed through.

The terminal was a vast building with very high ceiling, television monitors hanging from the ceiling all with different flight numbers and times. In front there is a row of what look like checkouts, all with people queued in front with their trolleys and cases.

I stand and look around, I was hoping for a sign saying to go there or come here or do this, but nothing, so I had a little panic.

Walking down the hall for inspiration I found a general enquiry desk, so I went and stood, no one there, no bell or anything.

So many people dashing about, no one seems to see me as I walk back down the hall.

So many different airline signs.

I see a policeman, he has a machine gun in his hands a big black jacket and a wire going to his ear, I didn't feel comfortable to go and ask him so I go further down the hall.

I have ½ an hour before I am due to check in, I hate being late, I would rather be an hour early than 1 minute late. I pull out my ticket and see the airline logo, so I walked down to where they all were. More televisions, more queues, but I could see on one of them it had my destination, and the flight number matched that on my tickets so I joined the queue.

Listening to the other passengers confirmed to me that at least they were going to the same place so I relaxed, well a little bit.

It soon came to my turn to approach the desk, my shoulders were just above the desk as I approached and said hello to the girl, she ask for my passport so I gave it to her, then my ticket so I gave her that. She was talking at the same time to the girl next to her, something about what she did last night, turning to me she asked if I had any luggage, and put it onto the conveyor, so I did. Whilst still looking at the other girl who was now talking to her she rambled off a list of things so fast I couldn’t keep up, she looked at me and said ok?, I said yes. So she handed me my ticket and passport back and said I could go into departures, thank you!

Now what to do, I look around to where the others went and follow them, felt like a bit of a lemming.

Everybody seemed to congregate around another entrance, as I looked I could see that they just show their tickets and they went in, so I followed.

Another hall, this time with shops, and even more television screens, again I looked around I was still hoping for a sign saying to go there or come here or do this, but again nothing,

Everybody is expected to be a seasoned traveller and know exactly what to do and where to go.

This time my panic changed, I was feeling a bit angry that I really needed to go and ask.

Looking around nothing seemed to say to me that ‘I can help’. So I went back to where I came and asked the man on the gate that let me pass through. He looked at me as though a little shocked, and called over a colleague, he immediately apologised and got his colleagues to help me.

I felt ashamed, I had got angry when I shouldn’t have, I’d let my stubborn pride take a hold of me yet again.

She was very nice, had patience too, someone must have told her that I was a crotchety old man. She looked at my tickets and passport, she then asked if it was my first time flying? I thought it was obvious due to me not knowing my way around, but she had a way with words and the tone of her voice made it sound not condescending, so I admitted to her that it was. ‘Lets have a cup of tea’, I’m due for a break and you have lots of time yet. She showed me into a seating area and asked what I would like, I said a coffee please and reached for my wallet, ‘put it away, I’ll pay for these’, so I sat there with my tickets and passport in hand as she went and got a couple of coffee’s.

As we sat there people were rushing all around, she said ‘they always do that, silly really if they just looked at the correct boards they would have plenty of time’. I nodded, but it still felt as though everything was going on at twice the speed as normal. She pointed out the bank of television screens, and as we drank explained what they were saying to us, now that relaxed me, I felt as though some control was coming back. She pointed out the flight number I was booked on and the gate to which it could be boarded from. ‘It’s a fair distance, how are you at walking’ she said, ‘not so bad, especially as I don’t have to carry that suitcase’ she smiled and said ‘that’s good’. Coffee finished we got up she said she needed the loo, I was glad as I did too but didn’t really want to ask where it was, ‘yours is over there’ she said as walked to hers, ‘I’ll meet you back here’.

So I went, did what I had to do, and came back, It was really surprising, she was there before me, it was never like this with my wife! ‘Right’ she says linking up with me, we’ll go down to the gate past the windows and we’ll see if your aircraft is waiting, ‘if there are any shops you want to visit we can call in as we pass’. The aeroplanes where HUGE, people were walking around outside them and they looked like insects, a little nervousness crept back. There was a newsagent so I bought a newspaper, and we continued down the corridor, it seemed longer that the length of the first hall. She must have read my mind because she described how the building was set out and this corridor was a large curve. It looked like a very posh bus shelter with individual bays for each bus where people sat waiting. There were uniformed people at the door to go out in yellow jackets just mulling around, waiting, don’t know why, if the aircraft is there why don’t they just let them get on?

Anyway my ‘bus shelter’ came and she asked if I minded is she could tell the flight attendant it was my first time, she said ‘it would help them as much as me’, they can only help if they know. So I said yes, okay, thanks, ‘no problem’ I sat down and she walked to the desk. ‘I’ve still got 15 minutes, if you don’t mind I’ll sit with you for a bit’, I said it’s okay, and that I don’t to put you to any more bother, ‘no bother’ she said and asked if anyone was meeting up with me at the other end. Well normally I would tell anyone who asked anything like that to mind there own business, but she had got me relaxed so I told her of my daughter and her family, how my wife had died and that I was going out to visit with a view to staying. Funny isn’t it how some people can listen and the more they do the more that comes out! I’d just finished telling her when a very attractive lady came up to me and introduced herself as one of the airhostesses, she had a foreign accent but I could understand every word. A couple of nods of the heads and thank you’s exchanged, ‘hope you have a good time’ and then she went.

The new airhostess said as it was my first time she would let me come on board a little bit earlier, so we went to the counter, handed over my tickets and then away we went.

Another corridor this one a lot narrower, and it seemed to sway a little, but she was confident enough striding away so I wasn’t going to let her see it bothered.

Just had to duck a little as we went in, you could see the cockpit as the door into it was open, two people were there chatting, one was a women, I looked startled as I was lead off to my seat. The hostess said we have a women captain flying today, I must have gulped a little, she smiled and as she walked away said she had been flying for 10 years so stop worrying.

It’s a bit cramped, god job I’m only little, I don’t know how the tall or ‘big’ people manage.

Everyone started coming on board, rushing to get to there seats, filling up the overhead lockers, raising there voices to their kids, I just tried to look nonchalant sat there, but wishing they would just shut up and do what there are supposed to do!

The captain’s voice came over the intercom welcoming us, saying we would shortly be setting off, all I could see was more and more people coming on board, I wish they would hurry up, does the captain know the door is still open?

The hostesses were still rushing round, getting everybody to fasten their seatbelts, one had just got to the door and was starting to shut it as the engines started. It all went quiet as we reversed out towards the runway, the hostesses kept going up and down checking and counting and saying ‘yes shortly’ to passengers. The captain came on the intercom again saying something about safety drill, I though I wished she just watched what she was doing! Any way the hostesses showed us what to do and where to go, why didn’t someone from the airport terminal do that when I arrived?

We got to the end of the runway and stopped, the engines growled and we shook, then we moved, faster and faster we picked up speed and then we were off the ground and gaining height.

It was a very smooth flight, the landing seemed better than the take off, I didn’t even have to suck a sweet coming down. If my daughter sees we had a lady captain she would rib me, but I had to admit she did a pretty good job flying that big thing!

As we landed a hostess asked me to wait until everybody had got off the aeroplane so she could ‘show me through’. So I relaxed and wondered about my daughter, if she would be there, if the kids would be there, wishing my wife were here with me.

The hostess good as her word came back for me and asked me to follow. We went out the front and I could see the captain ‘doing things’ so I said ‘thank you it was a good flight’ she turned round and smiled saying ‘I’m, glad you liked it Dad’, it was my daughter!