What a little sunlight can do
Transformation Scene
What of this moment when the world turns over?
Seeking no longer in Sybil's smoky cave,
here, in a time of sunlit clarity, I discover
a peace that any restless mind might crave.
No need for a forward search in a deep desire
to map out those few years that I have left;
the embers that remain from youth's hot fire
have fallen, victims of time's relentless theft.
There, the coldly scintillating gleam
of winter sun thrusting through dead leaves
illuminates the very meaning of a dream
held once, and now for which one grieves.
Yet that same sunlight, though still hard and cold,
renews some promise of a past spring's gold.
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The return of the sonneteer!
Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
Hit the spot with this one, Brian. Narrative, reflection, reference, place and time all wrapped in a natural (if classical) form. It's a poem with scope.
I've said before that I admire your touch with rhyme and rhythm. All there - but hiding behind the words, not overtly driving them on. I think that's what made this one work so well. A driving pulse would have shattered the sense of place and reflection. As it is, it's easy to sit (?) there with you and ponder on the same things - especially as we've had a little sun ourselves of late.
It struck me that part of this had some of the elements (in feel) of a haiku. Might sound like a daft thing to say.
I guess my main drive is that I appreciate the layers of craft, style and meaning within this.
For me, one of the best I've read here, or anywhere else for quite some time. Not just it's craft, but in the way I connected.
Phil |
Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
Bugger - ...its craft
Why don't I check my posts? |
I think Phil
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
(is an idiot!) only joking Phil, thought that may get your attention!
What I meant to say, Brian, is that I think Phil has a made a very insighful comment in saying that there are parts that have the element of haiku.
Personally I thought this a powerful piece, some philosophical reflection and resignation.
Cheers |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
| I do like the way you deal with the subject matter delicately, but I feel that this is a bit too abstract in places, and it could do with some tighter connections between the images and metaphors. Saying that it does seem to be a poem following a train of thought, which is bound to be a bit abstract. Just feel like it could put its message across more strongly. |
gk
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
Thanks, but I feel that to put it more strongly would result in just another whinge . The moment was more of the intellect than the emotions.
Appreciate the review and your thoughts
patterjack
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I wonder ...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
... how it would affect the argument of the verse if I were to invert stanzas 2 and 3 -- I am too close to think about that at the moment.
patterjack |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
This piece seems to capture that moment that is hard to articulate with mere words, but I think you've done it, pj. That fine balance between the intellect and emotion, sense of loss yet resilient hope, still reflection as well as deliberate thinking, all contemplated through the winter sunlight. I find this very calming adn soothing to the mind and soul. The 3rd/4th stanzas feel like a haiku (as Phil and Brett say) and they are beautiful in their simplicity but rich in layered meaning - my fouvourite. They seem to seep into the mind and soul.
Though I haven't lived as many years, somehow I think I can relate to much of this poem. Is anybody free from some degree of inner suffering as they accummulate enough years in their lives to look back on? And that suffering seems to contribute to the making of a hope that is true and can withstand the test of time. (Sorry about waffling on - this poem makes me think.)
BTW, I'm so happy about the sunlight, too, after all the dark, dank weather. Just as stars sparkle so much more brightly in the darkest night, so the winter sun seems to hold greater hope and promise for the unknown future.
Beautiful, pj.
Mia  |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (794 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
I thought the others were right to say that this felt a little like a haiku. Obviously a nature theme and the language was spare and wintry as befits the subject.
A little more optimistic in tone than some of your work, and only one classical reference!
Well, if winter comes, can spring be far behind?
And that's before the English summer has really got going!
Nice work, pj
V |
Veronica
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
My thanks . This was a verse that wrote itself in direct opposition to another I was , and still am , trying to get onto the page.
Here's hoping that the optimism will carry over to that one !
patterjack |
Haikuish!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
Hello pj!
I'm still pondering . . . much liked, as I ponder.
I think you may be right about switching stanzas 2 & 3 . . .
But it takes a while to 'feel the difference'.
Fine as it stands IMHO!
I'm with all above - good piece, and the Haiku element shines gently through!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
Thank you all for the reviews.
I am fascinated by readings that you have made that bring the haiku form once more into my consideration.
I genuinely like the form and between 7 September and 26 October2006 I published here on GW my collection of them but vowed that I had worn out the form for my own use.
Thus I am startled by its sneaky backdoor resurrection !
I will hopefully stick by my resolution however as I do not wish to fall into that state of addiction again!
Again, thank you
patterjack |
Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 26th June 2008 |
I add my voice to the chorus of approval, my dear. A very gentle piece that strikes a chord with my present mood. It doesn't evoke haiku for me, as it does some others.
I wouldn't be changing the order of the stanzas - it feels as if it has a natural flow of logic and emotion in its present form.
It's structurally sound, as is usual with your work.
ainsel
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Written by Talisker (1338 comments posted) 27th June 2008 |
Just to say that I read this Brian, liked it and felt enriched by the experience, so I read it again and again.
It seemed to fit with my reflective mood at the moment and has the skill, eloquence and class which marks all of your work for me.
Thanks
Oli |
Reflective
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 27th June 2008 |
Glad it was that adjective Oli, and not sombre! Thank you for your eloquent review !
patterjack
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