In the seventies I looked like King Charles II on account of my hair. I listened to Black Sabbath at every opportunity and I drank so much I missed Presidents and wars. Strangely, I was popular with the girls then.

I slowed down after that. I had a debilitating back condition; spondylolisthesis. I’ve suffered with my anatomy, me. At 38 the Company nurse said I had the lung function of a fourteen year old girl. Vincent, at work, said God put me together from bits He’d found in a skip.

None of my family enjoyed good health. My dad was only 4’ 9” and his legs were bandy with rickets. He looked odd. People knew him without knowing they did – and then when they found out he was my dad they’d go “oh! That’s your dad is it? I know him”. He died quite young. A funny thing about that; when I went to the building society to pay off my mortgage with the inheritance, the assistant said “someone’s had a nice windfall then,” and I said “Yes, my dad died.”

My popularity with the girls declined over the years. I got so fed up with being left standing outside the Odeon, I started taking my darts just in case. Truth is, it reached a point where I more or less gave up dating and just went down the Bird in Hand instead. I captained their darts team for a while.

I only ever met Joyce because of her attitude to money. She ran up such debts she had little alternative but cheap nights out with her parents at the Legion where I drank occasionally; it was the cheapest pint in town then – still is probably. I couldn’t understand that; spending money with no consideration for the consequences. I can account for every penny me.

It wasn’t the only thing I couldn’t understand about her. That night the couple came in, the white girl and the coloured bloke, and she says “look how attractive she is. I wonder why she can’t get a white fella.” I mean, what does that mean?

She wasn’t the greatest looking woman, Joyce. Vincent said she looked like Queen Victoria and she did a bit. I never at any time thought she was my type but what can you do? Her parents kept pushing and eventually, if you’re on your own, it’s like you’ve no right to refuse.

Things have worked out alright I guess. So far.