Mr Katanga more or less challenged me to tackle one of these...so here you go John! (Brett: does this count towards our cultural exchange? If so, you owe me a free verse!)
Her wires glisten as I make the final blow,
a gape of ivory, splayed across the floor.
Her smile is slack, a discordant afterglow,
as harmony had left us long before.
So many keys were missing. A semi-phore
of octave gaps from highest C to low,
and melodies unspoken, always harder to ignore;
her wires glisten as I make the final blow.
The weight became too much, on flooring narrow,
buckling under pressure. One encore,
an empty trill, to end the status quo,
a gape of ivory, splayed across the floor.
I used an axe, and double handed saw.
She looks like something by Picasso -
a violent deconstruction no-one can restore;
her smile is slack, a discordant afterglow.
It's now I want to touch her. One last arpeggio.
The shock of seeing her in pieces. A scrim-shaw
arrangement - a final tune in limbo,
as harmony had left us long before.
She's no longer my piano anymore.
I scraped her guts - brown, black, and yellow,
into a dozen bags that line the corridor.
But turning back, I'm sure I hear an echo.
Her wires glisten.
|
Nathan
Written by Brett (720 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | What have you ended relationship with - metre?
Don't get me wrong, you have the structure spot on, but the metre changes drastically, and therefor awkwardly, particularly in the 4th to 6th stanzas, even before then it is a little awkward to know. Though regardless, I must admit to enjoying that final stanza.
It's only fair, I'll post up some free verse, but am trying to write something else. Soon as I can though.
Cheers |
Written by Phil (6628 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | Very clever, Nathan - and a good read too. Can't comment on the form at all - only that I enjoyed it.
Remind me never to cross you!
Phil |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | Brett: 'What have you ended relationship with - metre?'
Ha, cheeky! The short answer is yes.
I was aware that it didn't strictly follow iambic pentameters' bind, but that's because I am a philistine and do not like iambic pentameter. (I guess that makes it a half point towards our cultural exchange).
The controlling metaphor is the destruction of a musical instrument, so I could argue it was permissable to destroy the metre too!
Cheers.
Phil: 'Remind me never to cross you!' I have no idea what you mean, but it's nice to know I'm so scary...
| Phyllis Stein
Written by Brett (720 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | ...she was mt English teacher!
Poor attempt at free verse coming up now!
Cheers |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (591 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | I liked the jazz arrangement but there was rather a lot of improvisation around the theme.
scrimshaw - a great reference when discussing ivory tinkling.
Her smile is slack, a discordant afterglow - excellent.
Picasso - nice reference too.
But why did you chop up the piano, is it because sticking to 2/4 time was too restricting?
Anyway, I look forward to Brett's free verse, but it will probably kill him. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | | Don't know anything about form either, but I like this very much. The personification is very effective, and I like the way the metaphor becomes clearer throughout the piece. Especially like the Picasso line. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (951 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | Dear Lord, is this how you end a relationship? I'm so glad we are all on cyber space!
Jokes aside, I found this fun, clever and a little ghastly. Reminded me of your Woman I poem, where you admired the horrid painting by a strange artist, particularly the reference to the slack smile and the Picasso-like deconstruction.
I have to say however, "Rondeau Redouble" reminds of the art of contortion, no matter how well done. The contortionists are so flexible that they make bizzare physical postures look easy, but some unnatural bodily postures, however supple, are still a contortion.
Enjoyed!
Mia  | Thanks all!
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 25th June 2008 | VM: 'I liked the jazz arrangement but there was rather a lot of improvisation around the theme.' Yeah, the poem didn't really develop much. I wrote it very rapidly, but that's no real excuse is it?
'scrimshaw - a great reference when discussing ivory tinkling. ' Thanks, glad someone noticed that.
'But why did you chop up the piano, is it because sticking to 2/4 time was too restricting?'
Is this another dig at my metre? Only kidding. 2/4 is an awful time signature, but the piano was just past the restoring stage...
GK: Thanks. 'Especially like the Picasso line.' That's weird, 'cos I nearly got rid of that. I haven't got a clue though...
Mia: 'Dear Lord, is this how you end a relationship?'. Perhaps I should stress that I am in no way a violent person, nor would I condone such behaviour no matter how rotten someones ivories were. | Redoubled Brilliance!
Written by Katanga (1129 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | Agree with much of the above - some should be set in stone!
So many great lines, e.g. 'a gape of ivory, splayed across the floor.' - I need not say more!
I could go on listing all the good bits, but I won't - here are so many!
It seems to me, having read the last few reviews by you guys, that the the real and fearful 'challenge' is 'free verse'?
Forgive me please, but both of you are masters of variuous fixed forms (Villanelles, Paradelles, Rondeaux (?) etc)
I've even tried myself . . . (in a court of law - ha!)
So, how about totally 'free' verse?
Whooer! Jolly difficult to pull off without the relative safety of meter and rhythm, eh?
Let's give it a go!
(Brett - I know you've dipped your toe in the water . . . And good it was too . . .)
Where meaning / feeling is all - and structure is irrelevant, or at least can only be referred to as a passing whimsy . . .
Lordy!
Cheers!
KYJ X
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
