A cultural exchange (of sorts) with Nathan. Free verse not being my forte.
Forever in monochrome she steps into the light.
Unashamed, we wait to hear her weep.
Defiant in the face of sentiment and our hypocrisy
her blues are not sung to make us blue,
though her sadness shall not have us dance,
happily we dissect a beating heart.
Seek a trace of her cicatrice.
The scars that hurt are deeper than those upon her arms.
Never will she perform the shimmy-shake;
externally she is Venus eroded,
within, Aphrodite bursting from the sea -
blue notes and white gardenias
forever in monochrome.
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COOL
Written by bobc (50 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
| I think the line "externally she is Venus eroded" is stellar and describes all. |
Written by fellpony (1659 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
| Clever echoes between seek a trace / cicatrice / shimmy-shake ... I'm less sure about "lightly dance upon a heart" but that's because I haven't heard torch singing recently enough to know whether it is appropriate as dance music. Liked (if that is the right word) "the scars that hurt are deeper than those upon her arms". |
Sue, you have...
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
picked upon the one line that has been troubling me since I posted this! And I certainly don't think that torch singing can be seen as dance music in the modern sense, but the songs that the torch singers performed were often danced to (when people danced that is!) Thanks.
And thanks bobc.
Cheers |
Agree -
Written by fellpony (1659 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
| I suspect torch singing would have provoked a slow foxtrot at best. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (706 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
externally she is Venus eroded,
within Aphrodite bursting from the sea -
This puzzles me. Has she got no arms? LOL
A brave foray into the land of the Free |
Veronica
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
you must be as drunk as me!
'the scars that hurt are deeper than those upon her arms.'
I didn't mean they were that deep to infer amputation!
Cheers |
Torch
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
The ultimate torch song is Weill/Brecht's Surabaya Johnny which has haunted me for 65 years
But -- more important than my own memories -- I like this -- with the exception of the dancing. I cn,t really equate foot taping and torch singing -- not at the pace the ones I know of .
A good venture into free verse , as you put it .
patterjack |
Cheers, Brian,
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
I think you and Sue have persuaded me to take a look at that line (and the one preceeding it). Appreciate your comments as ever.
Cheers |
Further comments
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
to come in a p m.
patterjack |
And ever more . . .
Written by Katanga (1399 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
. . . in a pm
This is simply too much to go into here . . . .
Great poem though, so hey!
Cheers!
KYJ X |
Her Blues . . .
Written by Katanga (1399 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
Hey Brett . . .
"her blues are not sung to make us blue
though her sadness shall not have us dance . . . ."
Brilliant! I, too, have hit the trough of depression, but never expressed it so well . . .
Good on you and . . . Where's that damned . . . ? Ah, there we are . . . don't need you anymore!
Cheers!
KYJ X
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1054 comments posted) 24th June 2008 |
I had to look up 'torch song' to understand this piece - singing about unrequited love. I didn't even know it was a genre.
My favourite lines, already pointed out by others are:
"her blues are not sung to make us blue,"
"the scars that hurt are deeper than those upon her arms."
You seem to be saying, to this singer, this is more than singing a popular genre, that she sings what she lives???
I also like the reference to monochrome, as if to depict the dark sphere of her existence.
I was struck by her audience's enjoyment of her heartbreak, particularly in the line 'happily we dissect a beating heart.' It reminds me of our modern society that objectifies celebrities, and savours their misfortunes. Medical researchers can objectify the sick as an exciting source of medical data. I wonder how often we dissect an artist's work born of suffering and thereby objectify them. Maybe I'm going off on a tangent.
Anyway, this was thought-provoking for me.
Mia  |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
Working backwards...
I really like the last two lines:
'blue notes and white gardenias
forever in monochrome.'
with those lovely rolling 'o' sounds. Also, the implied conflict and sadness of 'blue' and white' yet 'monochrome'. Best lines in the poem.
'externally she is Venus eroded,
within, Aphrodite bursting from the sea '
I think this is where Veronica got the 'no arms' thing...Venus eroded made me think of the Venus de Milo, aphrodite - botticelli. Though an image worth exploring, I wasn't sure how this fitted the theme or the preceding line which refers to the 'shimmy shake'.
I'd never heard of this 'dance', I thought it was something from the rock and roll era, but it seems to precede that (1920's?). Anyway, I didn't understand the shift from 1920's, blues and 'torch songs' to greek/roman mythology/imagery.
'Seek a trace of her cicatrice.
The scars that hurt are deeper than those upon her arms.'
Had to look up 'cicatrice'. That line does have a nice ring to it, though it does seem to emerge from nowhere then leave us just as quickly. The voice seems to be inticing us to look deeper than the audience in the first stanza who 'happily disect' her, but ultimately we're left with more mystery (nothing wrong with that, of course).
'her blues are not sung to make us blue,' is a really good line, would have made a great opener, to then explore further.
'Defiant in the face of sentiment and our hypocrisy'.
Seems a bit heavy handed in contrast with the musical ease of the following line. It's a complex set of emotions. It does seem to set the singer on quite a pedestal as well, as opposed to the sentimental, hypocritical audience.
'Forever in monochrome she steps into the light.
Unashamed, we wait to hear her weep.'
I know this isn't a fixed metre, but for some reason these lines seem to suggest one. For me, this is one of the trickiest things about free verse. Sometimes lines fall into the natural lilt of a metre - then creating that expectation in the reader and the initial confusion when it doesn't arise.
Enjoyed this though, despite all my picky comments.
Cheers.
|
Thanks, Nathan,
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
for your review.
Regarding the lines you thought best - the white gardenias should have strongly alluded to Billie Holiday - hence the lines regarding the scars upon her arms.
The Venus eroded - merely her outer self after years of abuse, and not just from drinjk or drugs! Within, Aphrodite - who could not be that beautiful inside to make such sweet sounds!
Yes, that third line has been commented on in a pm! Still, what do I know of free verse? A little more now, I like to think. Will definitely be trying some more. Thanks for your observations and comments.
Cheers |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
I liked the feel of this very much. My poor knowledge of music and its history probably puts a little distance between the piece and me though.
The last section was very strong.
Phil |
Mia and Phil
Written by Brett (884 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
Thank you for your comments.
Mia - perceptive as always, the most genuine of those singers did live what they sang about, and sang about what they lived.
Phil - Glad you enjoyed it even regarding your self confessed distance. Always a pleasure.
Cheers |
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