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By gutterkitty
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24 June 2008 |
A short piece written quickly, but I can't help being quite fond of it.
Come. Let’s press
this secret between us,
carefully as a heartbeat,
as an egg. Don’t worry-
I’ve done this before.
Simply touch your hand
to my back;
no-one need ever know.
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Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | Touching, lovely, sensuous and wicked!
I really liked 'carefully as a heartbeat,/as an egg...'
Great.
Cheers | Yep
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 24th June 2008 | Short , evocative , to the point , sensual ( to add to Brett's sensuous )
No criticism involved in this question -- but how would it change emotionally for yourself if you omitted the on ? . Read it aloud and see.
patterjack | Oh Gosh...
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 25th June 2008 | | Yes, PJ's onto something, and it would certainly classify as wicked, dare I say...erotic? | Erotic . . .
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 25th June 2008 | . . . and exotic, sensuous and sensual, nutritious and delicious.
Yummy!
Love it!
Cheers!
John | Oh . . . and
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 25th June 2008 | short and sweet, evocative and provocative, wicked and witty, lovely and louche.
Running out of puff . . . but not of entusiasm for your writing GK.
Yo!
John |
Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 25th June 2008 | Have to say that I think patterjack may have a point regards omitting 'on.'
Still beautiful.
Cheers |
Written by Phil (6688 comments posted) 25th June 2008 | Nothing much to add to the above, GK. Full of admiration for this one.
Don't worry -
I've done this before
lends this all the life a piece could ever wish for.
Phil |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | | Wow, thanks everyone. I wasn't going to post this because I didn't think much of it- I'm glad I did. Like the idea of taking out the "on" as well. | Yup! Good Edit!
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | Yes, I think taking out 'on' has added something, but it's hard to put my finger [on].
Cheers!
John |
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