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Poetry
Monologue: Directed Thinking
By no1butClo
17 December 2005
this isn't really a poem, I'm not sure what it is, but there's no "Random" category, so that'll have to do.

All the heartache we sustain
from the oblivious ones;
why can't we love 
those who'll love us back? 

Granted, we don't know who they are,
but, if we did, we wouldn't try.
If all we want is what we can't have,
we're human, but we're not happy.

No matter how we convince ourselves,
happiness is liking what you get.

What have you got?
People say you can't see past the end of your nose...

You're seeing too far; check the bridge.

Reviews

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 18th December 2005
Great, complex (and angsty!) thoughts trying to crystallise themselves there. Do you want this to stand on its own - it sort of does, already - or to work on it further? If you want to do something more with it, my suggestion is: think about who the poem is addressed to. Is the "you" of the last couple of lines a general reader, or is it a specific Somebody (real life or fictional?). I tend to find that poems with a generic "you" are rather unsatisfying - they either come across as very didactic (the poet telling me what I should be thinking/feeling), or they read as if they're really about the poet but the poet doesn't have enough conviction to be able to say "me" instead of "you". 
 
So perhaps you could start with the question "What have you got?" in the penultimate line, and work from here. Make the "you" a definite person - if there is somebody who has inspired this piece, imagine the things you've always wanted to say to that person, and see where they take you. Give the reader the sense that there is another character in the poem, not just you! 
 
Then again, you might just want to leave it as it is! This is poignant and immediate enough to stand on its own if you want it to - even if it is rather introspective!

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