I recently ended a long-term relationship, but weirdly enough haven't been able to cry about it (I have a remarkable ability to cry over anything even remotely upsetting, including an episode of Star Trek).
Not sure about the title, but I already have a poem called Milk and I feel it's a bit early in my writing career to be re-using titles. Also not sure about "animal" in the second to last line, seems a tad out of a place. Thought about replacing it with "heat" or "fire", but there is such a thing as taking a metaphor too far (not that I would know anything about that, ahem).
I searched the kitchen for a bottle of tears
but found only milk. I tried crying milk for you;
it wasn’t the same, left my face numb, serene.
It’s too easy
to slip into the cold, chill all thoughts of love
to stillness, calm that question mark.
To sink into a bath
white as forgetting, film my eyes
so your face is trapped beyond clinging lashes.
And with pearled skin
soothe these memories still hot with sweat
and wringing hands. But I want salt
something to sting
leave me red and raw as I left you.
You deserve better than these cool eyes,
dreams peaceful as a glass poured full.
So even if tears won’t come
I’ll smash this glass, take my shard of grief.
A little bit of heat
in the midst of this serenity.
|
Emotional
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | But the emotions as developed through the metaphors are a bit mixed for me . I am unable to follow the line they make because they are so tightly packed in there and so I need time to think about this and sort my ideas -- email perhaps
You are always interesting -- I can say that !
patterjack |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | | Thanks Brian, I think you've hit the nail on the head there...The more I read this the more I think there's too many images in too short a space. One second I'm crying milk, the next I'm bathing in it, then I'm crying again, then there's a glass of milk...All the images are connected to milk but I'm using too many at once. Some refining needed, for sure, and maybe a whittling down of my ideas. | Strong, rich stuff!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | I love your rich and surprising imagery!
That first line is a stonker!
I see what you mean about 'animal' . . .
It strikes me that there's an unanswered question at the end. What are you going to do with your metaphorical 'shard of grief'?
For me there's a strong hint of self-harm here - intended?
You could end something like,
'I do a little carving
in the midst of this serenity.'
But it's very cheeky of me to make such a suggestion, especially such a grisly one. Sorry!
So you cried over an episode of Star Trek - I must be similar, as I cried over Donny Osmond song once!
Shhhhh. Please don't tell anyone - Oh waaaaaah!
Cheers!
John  |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | | May I politely ask why you chose a combination of milk and salt? Do you know what one does to the other, and I am wondering if this is why you chose this particular metaphor? Use you a little salt to keep milk fresh. No, I must not guess, but just ask for your thoughts please. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | Josie's point about the salt is interesting.
I wouldn't have got that without her comment. Salt is a type of preservative, I suppose, and it links perfectly with you wanting to feel the freshness of the pain - preserve the emotions, as well as the more obvious connotations of salty tears, salt on wounds, of course.
I'm not sure about the last stanza. The shards of smashed glass are a little too much and I think you're right about the 'animal', though I don't know what could replace it (you're getting 'heat/fire' from salt 'burn'? Me, I would've probably gone all 'technical' with 'saline'!)
Maybe that whole stanza needs a different approach, but the rest is really good. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | Thanks again everyone, don't know what I'd do without you.
Katanga- I don't really want to introduce self-harm into this one, it's a bit of a cliché and anyway not really honest as I wasn't planning on hurting myself any time soon. But thanks for taking an interest- the shard is more a metaphor for allowing myself to feel some pain.
Josie and NR- I wish I were clever enough to have thought that deeply about it, but science was never really my strong point...The basic idea is more milk/cold/peaceful and tears/heat/pain. I'm just not sure the connections are strong enough for anyone but me to make them.
I tried revising it and came up with this, which I prefer. Let me know what you think and I will love you that little bit more:
Milk and Salt
I searched the kitchen for a bottle of tears
but found only milk. I tried crying milk for you;
it wasn’t the same, left my face numb, serene.
It’s too easy
to slip into the cold, chill all thoughts of love
to stillness, calm that question mark.
To sink into a bath
white as forgetting, film my eyes
so your face is trapped beyond clinging lashes.
And with pearled skin
soothe these memories still hot with sweat
and wringing hands.
But I want salt, something to sting
leave me red and raw as I left you.
You deserve better than these cool eyes,
dreams peaceful as a glass poured full.
So even if tears won’t come
I’ll smash this glass, take my shard of grief.
A little bit of heat
in the midst of this serenity.
null | Yes! Oh, yes!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | Yes - this is white-knuckled now.
It's stripped to the bone, yet somehow I miss your original . . .
But, my goodness, you know how to write poetry . . .
Whoooosh!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 27th June 2008 | I agree with Brian & John, in that you know how to write interesting stuff.
I'm not sure that it is all, well, entirely coherent, but it is great imagery and also naughty fun imagining a young lady naked & doused in milk 
I'm glad you changed the "little bit of animal" because that just made me think of Pepperami.
Oli  |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 27th June 2008 | Thanks John and Oli (good to see you back, by the way). I'll work on the coherency...I have this nagging feeling that I need to cut bits out and strengthen the connections in between, but I don't know which bits to cut. At the moment the biggest jump in understanding seems to be between the first and second stanza so I'll give that some thought.
And even if I don't manage it at least I've lightened up someone's evening with my imagined bathing rituals...  |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 28th June 2008 | The revision is an improvement - the seperation of the coolness and serenity of the milk and the rawness, pain of the salt is much clearer now. I'm not so sure about the connection between salt/pain and heat though. I wouldn't say it's incoherent...mysterious maybe. Anyway, I think it's nearly there.
Ok, now how much love do I get for that review? |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | It's funny how connections can form in my mind until they're so strong to me, I forget to even elaborate them properly in my work. I might leave this one alone for a while now and come back when I'm feeling wiser (which might be never...). At any rate I finally thought of a title I like.
You get exactly this much love: |
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