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Regardless of endearments that are said
And of affections won by verse I write,
No matter fears of when her passion's fled
Whilst mine still burns albeit by candlelight,
The ghost that's haunting me throughout this night,
Though with respect it has a tender tread,
Is my lack of jealousy, despite
My lover lying in her husband's bed.
And though I'd have her in my arms instead
So on her lips her name I could recite,
Not thinking of beyond the night ahead,
Nor further than the sacrificial rite
When angels and the devil will unite,
I cannot claim, in truth, that tears are shed
When thinking by tomorrow's morning light
My lover's lying in her husband's bed.
Unworthy of the compliments she's fed
To me to sate this lustful appetite
(And lust is often willed to be misread)
For all the passions this affair ignites
It brands me like the thundering meteorite;
With every penny earned being drunk or read
Is it any wonder that tonight
My lover's lying in her husband's bed?
Envoi:
Prince, I've mocked your kind and been most trite,
The sickening privileged life that you have led,
But to be you when she takes her flight;
My lover's lying in her husband's bed. |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | I like this very much - and for the record - it has you written all over it. I guess that's pretty high praise - recognisable style. The structure works very well - it turns this into a kind of cold lament. Does that make sense? Does to me. One to revisit. Phil | Astonishing! Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 26th June 2008 | No words can say how much I 'like' this - especially at 3.35 a.m. Truly astounding - I shall revisit, with Phil, many times and eventually attempt a half-decent review . . . Respect! Homer X | an "aha" moment Written by Veronica_Milvus (603 comments posted) 27th June 2008 | So now it seems that your previous flurry of love poetry all makes sense. I see the theme, and as my mother would have said: "there will be tears before tea-time". But to restrict my critique to the verses: Again you've chosen a deliberately restrictive rhyme form (the ballade - along with the traditional envoi to the sponsoring prince) but made a great job of it. One of the most telling lines to me was: "The ghost that's haunting me throughout this night, Though with respect it has a tender tread, Is my lack of jealousy" because, it turns out, of blatantly low self-esteem. also liked: "With every penny earned being drunk or read" which explains why you don't think yourself to be a good prospect. There's the guy from the Pisshead's Pantoum showing through the lines. Very you, Brett, as Phil says. But oh dear, if this is a True Story....!
| Written by Robru (212 comments posted) 27th June 2008 | | I too, liked this. It is a kind of cold lament and the structure seemed a bit out at first reading. Maybe its still out, but it works and works well. | Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 27th June 2008 | I've read this many times, and I still don't know exactly what it is I sense - a kind of resignation mixed with self-denigration??? Did the final outcome unconsciously expected by the poet? Is there an unconscious or even deliberate and objective distance the poet places between this piece and himself??? Is there pain? For me, the envoi bit was personal and painful. "It brands me like the thundering meteorite;" made me think as well as the title. I'm all over the place over this piece.... Hmmm... Mia | Thanks to ... Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | Phil - 'you written all over it' not sure about high praise, mate, makes me feel like I've been repetitive. Thanks anyway! Tolstoy - Cheers. V - A very perceptive review, I thank you. Robru - Not sure what you mean by the structure seeming a little 'out.' Perhaps it's the rhyme scheme; for the record the form (as Veronica has pointed out) is a ballade, the rhyme scheme for the three stanzas is is ; a,b,a,b,b,a,b,aR (aR being the refrain) and then an envoi of b,a,b,aR. Cheers. Mia - Sorry if you found any of this confusing, but, within the form I chose, this was as succinct as I could make it. Thanks. Cheers all. |
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