READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1258 guests online and 5 members online
Poetry
This.
By katejayne
28 June 2008
Wanted to write something amazing, and as always high expectations fall short
I know this isn't my best piece, but I wanted to "publish" something.



This house is full of memories,
of what was once
and used to be

This house is full of you and me.
This house is full of you, you see.


This head is full of truth and lies,
of masquerades
and teary nights.

This head is full of you and me
This head is full of you, you see.


This heart is full of hope and trust,
of holding hands
eternal love.

This heart is full of you and me.
This heart is full of you, you see.

This Life is full of hurt and pain,
worthless actions
with no gain.

This life is full of you and she
Your life is full of her, not me.


Reviews

Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 28th June 2008
Oh dear! I read your author's note. Well, you have written something Kate, but it feels to me as if it is full of heartache, perhaps of a relationship that has gone wrong, and then the last two lines say why. I am so sorry. You must be feeling dreadfully let down. We live in a rotten world today where everywhere this is happening, and nobody cries shame on the guilty parties as they used to. I hope you don't have children involved.

Written by Robru (205 comments posted) 29th June 2008
There must be a hell of a lot of broken off relationships out there.I feel a little of the hurt of the one who is left out in this poem. Yte there is hope; you can write about it and perhaps move on with life.

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th June 2008
A bit too general for my liking I'm afraid, I would have preferred an examination of the personal situation and emotions attached to it. The repeating stanza doesn't do anything for me.
Very Sad!
Written by Katanga (1163 comments posted) 29th June 2008
I'm sorry if this is true, which I suspect it is. 
 
As a poem, I like it - and the last two lines make it! 
 
Cheers! And all the best! 
 
John X

Written by rainhands (3 comments posted) 30th June 2008
Hi Kate, 
 
I hope this isn't something you're going through. It's a sad, heartfelt poem. I agree with gutterkitty, though (who incidentally I think I know from another forum :grin) that the poem is a bit too generalised. 
 
Words like "hope and trust" and "heart and pain" are too abstract - if you delved a bit deeper and showed specific images to convey these emotions, the piece would be much more engaging. Also the repeated lines aren't that interesting. 
 
Perhaps just try focusing in a bit more. What in the house holds memories exactly? Is it the photograph on the mantlepiece? etc.  
 
Good luck if you decide to redraft this. :)

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

Next item