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Drink With Me Before We Sleep |
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By Brett
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29 June 2008 |
I'm unsure as to leave this as it is or to add to it. Either way it's a humble piece of cach! Drink with me before we sleep
forever. Or a while keep safe
close to me and let me wake
to your breathing on my chest.
Never would I raise my head
for fear the sun would inch across
our sky and murder treasured time
descending in a mournful glow. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | It's not cach or cack, it's really rather good. Maybe gets slightly too wordy or too downbeat in that last line, but otherwise it's sweet.
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | I read this as the poet's decision that he will live in the here and now, and right now his beloved is next to him, in their own cocooned world. He will not think about the fact that their time will ultimately come to an end. I find it soothing and sweet.
Mia  | Shiveringly Good!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | I really like this, Brett.
The deft transition from the ordinary meaning of 'sleep' to 'death', effected by putting 'forever' on the second line is fantastic!
One quibble - if the 'fear' is that of the dawn arriving and putting a cruel end to a blissful night, might not the final line read better as:
'ascending in a mournful glow.'?
Maybe I've misread your intent?
Cheers!
KTJ |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | The fact you say that you're considering adding to it, suggests the idea is incomplete in some way. Not something I felt as I read - but it would be interesting to see what was missing if you rewrote.
I did find the transition to the second line a little clumsy when read aloud - but it does (as KTJ says) do its job very well. Probably the way I'm reading - but a comma at the end of the first line would suit the way I read - but possibly not the way you write. A very moinor thing.
Anyway - I'm waffling.
I liked it. While I'm sure it wasn't simple to write, it has that simple quality some of the best poetry has.
Phil | I'm wrong!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 29th June 2008 | Too hasty just now - apologies. The sun is going down, not coming up!
Silly me!
John | Thanks to
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 1st July 2008 | Nathan - I feel if the last sentiment wasn't downbeat then it truly would have been cach!
Mia - As always spot on in your interpretation.
Tolstoy - Thanks for your kind words, glad you liked it.
Phil - I think I'll leave it as it is (then again I may feel the urge to extend it - ooer). As for the second line - the poem is in tetrametre so this enjambment was necessary, nothing peculiar, but it works for some not for others. Thanks, always a pleasure to receive a waffle off you.
Cheers |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 | I wasn't keen on the "forever" because it did sound like death. But I did like "Or a while keep safe /
close to me" as that is a feeling I am familiar with.
These lines, finished or not, had a great sense of sleepy peacefulness about them. | Cheers V
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 | 'forever' was meant to allude to death.
Still, nice to know you found some of it familiar.
Cheers |
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