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Poetry
He Couldn't Reach X
By NathanRoberts
29 June 2008



He caramelised his fingertips,
dripped them into a chakra bowl,
laid it on her doorstep
beneath the blanket of a star cluster.

II

He climbed five hundred flights,
base camped beneath her eyes
in the morning, she found
a splice of silver crampons
inches from the summit.

III 

He abducted a dozen slum pigeons,
whitewashed their wings,
spruced them up proper.
Taught them to roll their R's
as they whisper her name
from the yew tree and the wires.

IV

He tried to txt her,
but his fingertips were murder.

He reached in,
took a platitude of soul
that shimmied in the petri-dish.
Labelled 'culture of arousal A'
it sits beside the cucumber.

VI

He catapulted patchouli scent
through the heart of a nimbus cloud
then sewed the sweetest love lament
into the moisture shroud.
She felt it was corny. 

VII 

He made eye contact.  A thousand
yard stare that traced her spine and
entered just below the cotton.
She turned, almost a smile,
as he melted into tarmac.

VIII 

He lay within metres of her face. 
Crushed stone, blacktop, macadamned.
Two yellow lines pinned his spine
permanently in place.

IX 

He considered giving up.
A hundred billion fish in the sea
and all that.  But she was a
Sunrayangel fish,
which don't even exist. Do they?



 

Reviews

Written by Mr_E_Writer (269 comments posted) 29th June 2008
Once more I am impressed, whilst also surprised that he lasted that long. Personally, I would have been too weak to have lasted two weeks, whilst she, ever forthright, would have cramped on my crampons long before the fortnight. 
But such is love! 
 
Kind regards, 
Eric.

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th June 2008
Love the idea. The last stanza is brilliant...really hit the nail on the head.  
Feel like the execution could do with some work though. Some of the metaphors work really well (Days Two and Four) and some not so well (Days Three [?!] and Nine), and I feel like you could probably cut this down to ten or even seven days. I'm a big fan of compression though (notice most of my poems are fairly brief)- others might disagree. But usually I think the effect of successive metaphors can dull if you have too many. 
A few extra niggles- no apostrophe in "it's ring"- sorry for being pedantic but possessive apostrophes in "its" are one of those little things that really bug me. And in Day Eleven you switch from third person to first- I'd change the last line to "They don't even exist, do they?" 
But generally (as I said), love it.
Thanks Both
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 29th June 2008
 
GK:'Feel like the execution could do with some work though.' Yeah, it was rattled off extremely quickly before I'd even woken up. I didn't want to get too conscious with it, this time.  
 
Um, what's wrong with day three - makes perfect sense to me ;) . Also, I like day nine, it acts as a kind of breather.  
 
'the effect of successive metaphors can dull if you have too many. '. What metaphors? It's all quite literal me dear. 
 
'no apostrophe in "it's ring"- ' You can beat me profoundly after class. That's the second time you've told me that, you'd think it would sink in (I think I've nailed it in the next posting!). 
 
'And in Day Eleven you switch from third person to first. ' Are you assuming the narrator and the subject are the same person? 
 
'The last stanza is brilliant...really hit the nail on the head.' Yeah, thanks. It sure did.

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