The result of a fling I had with crime fiction last year. I'm still thinking of flinging with it, in a small way.
I pulled up behind the car on the bridge. I had found her. She stood on
the outside of the railings and was looking down into the water, some
30 metres below. I got out of my Jaguar and began walking towards her.
The bridge was deserted, but for the two of us. My job was nearly done.
"Stop there, or I'll jump," she said, looking at me over her shoulder.
She was beautiful in the moonlight. I hadn't seen her in person before,
only a photograph. She was the property of the head of a crime league
the like of which had never been seen in these parts. She had been with
him for the last 18 months and - being ever-present - she knew the full
extent of his involvement in the criminal activity that was plaguing
the city. That's why the police were anxious to talk to her. They hoped
she could provide them with evidence damning enough to convict him.
I continued walking slowly towards her.
"I'm not going to stop you jumping," I assured her, "if that's what you really want to do."
"What else can I do?" She was crying.
"You could go to the police," I said, still walking. "You could put
Stephens away for a long, long time." She was tired of her lover loving
others, and had dumped him. But she wasn't ready to turn on him just
yet.
"That would be the same as jumping. He'd have someone find me."
I reached her side. I stood inside the railings, looking out down the
river. It was a beautiful, clear night. The city lights playing on the
water memerised us both.
"That's true enough," I said. "I've heard he owns the police."
"He has his contacts," she said, turning again to look at me. "And he's not even a mason." She turned back to the river.
"Are you really going to jump?" I asked.
"Yes," she whispered. But she didn't jump; I pushed her, and my job was done.
|
Nice reversal Written by tamper (18 comments posted) 3rd April 2005 |
Yep - ya got me. I wasn't expected that ending. I perhaps would have liked his actions described more implicitly than explicitly, and maybe that would suit the genre better. The other thing that irks a bit is the 'not even a mason' line. I guess it's joke, rather than plot-related, and while you might have a nervous joke to break the tension this doesn't feel like the right one. But you should definitely flirt some more with crime. Perhaps develop your protagonist a bit more and give him a more identifiable voice. |
good for a quickie Written by kevinrobson71 (42 comments posted) 3rd April 2005 |
| perhaps there's a bigger story here -told at a more leisurely pace |
Finishing The Job Written by redshelly (6 comments posted) 10th April 2005 |
Have you ever thought as writing this as part of a drama script. I could visualise it as the opening seen of one, your last line certainly would have startled the viewer as tamper said it was not expected. Have you written any more on it |
Good ending Written by Betsie (30 comments posted) 10th April 2005 |
| I very much liked your ending. Quite a surprise. |
Short but Sweet Written by NorthernRose (25 comments posted) 18th April 2005 |
You have a knack of constructing stories with great surprise endings. I enjoy reading your work and this one doesn't disappoint! I agree that this plot would work better if developed more - why does the woman feel so desperate to contemplate suicide as the first option, why does the man work as an assassin etc. |
Excellent Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 1st May 2005 |
One of the best stories I've read today, and I think the story sits well as it is, the whys and wherefores really do not matter. |
Want more Written by shywriter (2 comments posted) 21st May 2005 |
As the others have said, I really like the twist at the end, but it would be great to have a little more build up to it about why it's happening - how did he know she would be there taking her life? This would make a great start to a longer story as I felt I wanted to know a bit more about this boyfriend who has these connections to have this lady pushed of a bridge by what I assume is a policeman? Similarly totamper, I ddin't like the 'mason' line but liked the rest. I would be eager to read more. |
Cheers! Written by skrik (12 comments posted) 21st May 2005 |
Thanks for the great feedback. The mason line was what came when i was looking for a tension-breaker. I wanted something to identify the story as British, not American, and this was the best I could do at the time. As for people wanting to know more, there is no more. It's the twist that makes it what it is. Thanks for all the pleasant words. |
thumbs up!! Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 15th May 2006 |
there was just enough intrigue in the first line to make me want to know more.... very sleak, lean piece. kept the suspense running, i like your dialogue..made me believe... turns on a sixpence in the last sentence. my hat is doffed in your direction. thankyou |
lovely piece of work Written by alexthealmighty (2 comments posted) 17th February 2008 |
omg i think this is genuinally clever piece of writing i think that you need to stretch out him comforting her a bit, maybe make it seem like hes stopped her from jumping make it seem lik he wants to find out what she'd do if she didn't jump maybe this sounds a bit confusing but hey i'm an idiot |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.