If you are reading this, then you are probably a first-time visitor to England who is seeking some advice on how to behave appropriately during your stay, bearing in mind that some social mores may differ significantly from those you are accustomed to at home.

You may well have arranged to stay with an English host family as their guest for the duration, and will, no doubt, be paying through your nose for it, so it is vital that you make the most of your time here through getting on well with your hosts and, if they happen to have any, their children.

There are few things worse, as I am sure you would agree, than simply ‘getting it wrong’ in social situations, especially where taboo or embarrassing topics are concerned. This is why this book aims to help you with the more awkward and ruder aspects of English etiquette, areas that other guides shy away from covering in any detail.

If you have bought this book, then you have made a wise purchase, which you are unlikely to regret, for it contains a wealth of practical information and advice on what sort of behaviour is acceptable and what is not. You will even find some background cultural notes that explain why the English do as they do.

Let us hope that this is your first evening here, and that you have not yet had time to ‘put your foot in it’, as the English so quaintly say, but that you are now settling down to read having bid a fond ‘Good night!’ to your hosts.

Feel free to browse and flick through the pages for the information that you feel you need most, but bear in mind that a systematic approach is more likely to prepare you better for what is to come.
 

Tomorrow you will face two, possibly three, social challenges. There will be breakfast, afternoon tea and maybe a party in the evening, all of which you will feel obliged to attend, so there is ample space devoted to these occasions here.

I hope you have a pleasant and enjoyable stay.

Finally, as you say on the Continent, “Bon chance!”   

A

Afternoon Tea  

The hub of all meaningless English social intercourse.

Anal Intercourse 

Typically English conversation – uptight and conveying little or no meaning, as in:

 “Hi! How are you?”
 “Can’t complain – you?”
 “Could be worse – fancy a cup of tea?”

 Also sometimes refers to rude, but jolly, activity within someone’s bottom.

 Note: you should never expect this from an English gentleman before Afternoon Tea. After a glass of sherry it becomes increasingly less unlikely. 

Anal Passage  

Part of an ‘Anal Tract’ – see entry below.

Anal Penetration 

Having intuitive, piercing insight into someone’s ideas, but refusing to talk about it.

 Note: if you meet an Englishman who is anally penetrative, he will see straight through you, but you’ll be none the wiser.

Anal Tract 

A very English love letter (see ‘Colon’) – usually a long-winded, formal invitation to Afternoon Tea.
 

Anal Tradition 

English Social History – see ‘Oral Tradition’.

Anus

Something of central importance to bottoms. It’s often referred to in polite English society, so feel free to talk about yours over Afternoon Tea.

 Note: Just to reassure you on this, even Her Majesty The Queen used the term in a speech at the Guildhall in 1992 when, after a particularly hard year domestically, she referred to Captain Mark Phillips, her soon-to-be divorced son-in-law, as ‘The Anus Horribilis.’

Arse 

(Quite a long entry here, as there is much to go into.)

Confusingly for you, this is also spelled ‘ass’, but both words mean ‘bottom’, and English people love talking about their own, as in:

“Lovely weather? My arse!”

Note: You can introduce your bottom and ejaculate at the same time in the same way, for example, when trying English coffee:
 

 “Cappuccino? My arse!”

The relevance of the behind in these contexts remains a mystery.

However, the English love of arses is beautifully summarised in a grand opus, variously attributed to John Betjeman, W.H. Auden, Louis MacNiece, Philip Larkin and Anon:
 

 ‘I sometimes think that I should like
 To be the saddle of a bike.’
 

 Shakespeare, eat your heart out!

Those Englishmen unfortunate enough to have been named ‘Nicholas’ by their naïve parents, are not infrequently taunted at school with the nickname ‘Copper Bottom’, which further demonstrates the point being made here.
 

Additional note: Below is a lullaby which the author’s uncle, who had served in the R.A.F., used to sing to him at bedtime: 

 “Stand up by your beds, Boys!
 Here comes the Air Vice-Marshal –
 He may have many medals, but……
 He’s only got one arsehole!

B
 
Bastard 

An English Gentleman
 

Behind 

Another word for ‘Bottom’. See ‘Dildo’.

Bondage 

The English obsession with spy films.

Note: When discussing your taste in films over a glass of sherry, you can say:
 

 “Actually, I’m more into Bondage than Harry Potter.”
 
 Also refers to being tied up in a relationship after a relatively carefree courtship, as this mawkishly sentimental extract from a song by the author demonstrates:
 

 “We learned to love quite freely,
 Just as wings are free to fly,
 But you know it’s true that I
 Could no more leave you now
 Than a bird could ever leave the sky.”

Bonk 

Have straightforward, unaffected, unembarrassed sexual intercourse – rare for the English. See ‘Knob’.

Note: Bonk Holidays are the only times when the English feel free enough from their daily grind to have sexual intercourse.

Bottom 

Speaks for itself – see ‘Fart’.
 

Breakfast 

Not quite as central to English intercourse as Afternoon Tea, but still plays a vital role. A hearty one will include eggs, beans, bacon and many other mouth-watering delicacies.

Note: If an additional, uncalled for, egg is pressed upon you, you can politely decline with the conventional phrase:

“Un oeuf is un oeuf, thank you.”
 

Break Wind

An extraordinarily rude expression for the more usual and euphemistic term ‘Fart’ (see future entry).

It makes no sense, in the author’s humble opinion, when compared to such other contexts of use for ‘break’ such as ‘break the silence’, ‘break cover’ and the evocative “Let’s break the night with colour” from a song by Richard Ashcroft.
 

 It would therefore be more logically phrased as:
 

 ‘Break Bottom’

Note: If invited to discuss such windy matters over breakfast, it would be wise to employ the author’s more sensible suggestion.

Bristol Cream Sherry 

The very best for an orgy (see separate entry).
 

Brothel

 English police station – as Gerard Hoffnung pointed out in his famous address to the Oxford Union, all English brothels display a blue light. He left the rest to our imagination.
 

Bugger 

Affectionate term of endearment – if you are staying with English family hosts, you would do well to introduce yourself to the children thus:
 

 “Hello, you little buggers!”

The parents will be delighted.

Bugger’s Delight

An English gentleman’s jacket with one slit down the back at the bottom, centrally positioned.

Bugger’s Puzzle 

An English gentleman’s jacket with two slits down the back at the bottom, one on either side.
 

 Note: Be sure to specify which style you prefer when ordering a suit. The tailor will be impressed by your knowledge of the specialist vocabulary of English fashion.
 

Additional note: The author’s mother explained the above to him, much to his own delight, when he was ten.
 

Buggery 

A perambulator for little buggers (see above). See also ‘Sodomy’.
 

Bum 

Yet another word for ‘bottom', and a useful variant for talking about yours in polite company.
 

Bum’s Rush 

 If  English food has given you diarrhoea, but you cannot pronounce, let alone spell, this word, go to the doctor and say:
 

 “Doctor, I’m afraid I’ve been given the bum’s rush.”

The doctor may laugh, but this is because English doctors are jovial, jolly people on the whole (see ‘Prick’).

C

Camp 

Describes an English gentleman who deliberately affects effeminate mannerisms – quite to what purpose is unclear, but the author is wont to do the same.
 

This reminds him of the popular tale of Sherlock Holmes and his partner, Doctor Watson, who, after a long and not unstressful few months of crime-busting, decide to take a break and go camping on the Continent.

They had set out on their adventure holiday and were settling down for their first night in their respective sleeping bags, when the following dialogue ensued:

“I say, Watson! Look up, and tell me what you see and what it means to you.”

“Damn you, Holmes! I was just drifting off, and now you choose to pose some enigmatic, nonsensical question. I thought you’d left that behind in Baker Street [See ‘Dildo’]. But oh well, since you ask, I see Orion’s Belt and The Plough and a host of other heavenly bodies which I can’t for the life of me identify, but……”
 

“Yes, yes, very good, Watson! But what does it all mean to you?”
 

“Oh Holmes, really! Do you have to? Okay, it means that, in the big scheme of things, we are just two insignificant little English gentlemen who just happened to have decided to sleep together under the stars. The enormousness of it all is what impresses our own smallness upon us.” 

“Oh, my dear Watson! There’s a poet and a philosopher in you somewhere! But no, no! It means that some asshole has stolen our tent!”

Note: This is a fundamentally corny old story, so don’t bother recounting it to your English companions.

Castle 

See ‘Home’.
 

Climax                          

The point towards the end of an English social gathering when the host says:

“I’m afraid we’ve run out of sherry.” (See ‘Orgy’)
 
Clitoris   

English climbing plant, hardy and sweet-smelling, found in traditional country gardens. If your English  hosts happen to have one, you should compliment them on it by saying:

“Gosh! What an exquisite Clitoris you have there!”

Note: Under no circumstances should you confuse this with ‘Clematis’, a delightfully rude female organ.
 

Closet  

A small room or cupboard.

Note: If you wish to indicate that the bathroom is free, you can say:

“I’ve just come out of the closet.”
 

Cock  

Roughly equates with ‘my friend’, as in:

“Wotcha Cock!” 

a traditional English greeting with a protective warning, so keep an eye on yours if you have one.

Coitus Interruptus      

Stems from the infuriating English habit of leaving mobile phones switched on during amorous encounters.

Cold Sore  

English side-salad, made with raw cabbage and mayonnaise.

Note: If served, compliment your hosts thus:

“I love your cold sore! Where did you get it?”
 

Colon 

Same as ‘Anal Tract’, an English love letter.

A ‘semi-colon’ is more of an affectionate note.

Come 

Have an English Orgasm – a clear oxymoron.
 

Note: When multiple, and with added urgency, this word can inexplicably mean ‘pull yourself together’, as in:
 

“Come, come now – you’re pulling my leg!”
 

Beware! In the presence of English juveniles, you may provoke much mirth if you make the mistake of saying things such as:
 

“Hang on – I’m coming in a jiffy!”
 

Crack  

Substance taken to enhance the effects of sherry.

Occasionally has a naughty meaning.
 

Note: As with the previous entry, beware of provoking mirth amongst juveniles with:

“I was up at the crack of dawn.”

Cunnilingus 

No rude listings under ‘C’ would be complete without this entry.

Actually, there’s nothing rude about it at all, but it’s got nothing to do with cunning linguists. In fact, it’s the name of an Irish airline owned by Ivor Cunnie. 

Note: If you are well-travelled, you can say: 

“I’ve been around a lot, but I’ve never tried Cunnilingus. What’s it like?”