I've got to get out of here!
Tiny fingers in big nostrils
Pick bogies that are old as fossils;
Dry bogies that no longer stick
So with your tongue you have to lick
And stick upon your bedroom wall
And pray all night they do not fall
On to your lip and then therefore
Back up your nose, son, when you snore!
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Hehe
Written by Becca2010 (24 comments posted) 29th June 2008 |
Just the element of the poem is funny to me. Which it should be I hope! It made me giggle!
A couple things I noticed:
therefor.. should be therefore
adding the son at the end just seems a little strange and if the poem is aimed towards children I'm not exactly sure that they would know what to do with that haha.
Otherwise.. I'm not exactly sure about the punctuation since I'm not that experienced with that and poems but it seems a little odd that you have one semi colon and then just the exclamation at the end.
Im sure Josie can help out with that
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Ha! Ha! Ha!
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 30th June 2008 |
Very visual - I can picture the whole journey of the bogie, from nostril to finger to tongue to wall to lip and back to nostril.
And 'nostrils / fossils' - great rhyme.
Re "I've got to get out of here!" Do you mean stop writing in the children's section?
Long may you stay, forever young! (Dylan?!)
Cheers!
John |
AMUSING
Written by prodigy (22 comments posted) 30th June 2008 |
Teeheehee!
It was funny, but you can't publish such works 'coz parents won't exactly encourage reading such poems.
I loved it personally!
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Kids love gross stuff!
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 30th June 2008 |
and this is up there with the grossest!
prodigy - I think you're wrong about what parents will buy! have you never read anything by Roal Dahl? What about the BFG and his eating of snodcumbers - producing "whizzpoppers"? Adults seem to buy plenty of Dahl's stuff for their kids and relatives' kids!
Brett, you missed, or avoided, one obvious extra element of bogie-picking ... ! |
Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
With fp on this one. Grosssssss!!!!
I'm still debating if I should read this to my boy. He will recite it to everyone he meets! And what will they think of me?
Mia  |
Thanks and grossness
Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 3rd July 2008 |
was what I was after. These poems are written for my friend's son - all small boys revel in something which they think others should find disgusting!
Thankyou for the feedback.
And sue, I did avoid it - his mother would only let me go so far, I think. Still - another poem that his dad may slip him surreptitously perhaps (the underground greenline as it were!).
Cheers |
Grossness!
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 3rd July 2008 |
Ha!
Technical question, Brett, re your response above:
Thanks and grossness
Written by Brett (472 comments posted) 3rd July 2008
was what I was after.
I s this an example of 'enjambment interruptus'?
Ha! Still love ypour poem, even on my eleventh (or so) reading of it!
Cheers!
KYJ Homer Tolstoy (Oh Lordy! Who am I?) |
Yes I adore
Written by Brett (759 comments posted) 3rd July 2008 |
| enjambment. |
Ha!
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 3rd July 2008 |
Ha! Ha!
Does that count as 'enjambment on toast'?
Waaaaaaaa
aaaaah!
O
h!
H
o!
Che
ers!
Tols
toy.
X |
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