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Science Fiction and Fantasy
A Song for Sparrow.
By Kale
30 June 2008
I'd appreciate any feedback at all on this...Just a few wise words would help considerably. Thankyou. Undecided

Sparrow pressed harder on the rewind button and watched the fifty-pence piece dissolve, and then re-appear.
It worked.
It actually worked.
It affected such a small circumference of space; but there was no denying the simple facts of the matter…
Time travel was possible.

The tape recorder was of an old fashioned design. Yellowed teeth etched with arrows representing reverse and forward, a red dot for record and two dashes for pause.

She had found the machine buried beneath a pile of electrical appliances under the stairs of her late Uncle’s dilapidated house.
All she had been able to think about whilst investigating through the sticky strings of cobwebs and accumulated dust was how hard she would need to wash her hands after this.
Until they bled quite possibly.

Motes of shed skin had drifted through streams of light, dotting the various appliances like some exotic disease. Sparrow had not been able to believe she was doing this. It had felt like a bacteria covered finger was tracing a path down her spine.
Filth, scum, dirt…dirty…DIRTY!
She had resisted the urge to eject herself from the tiny alcove. Interest had just about overpowered the impulse to flee and find the nearest tap of scalding water.
A bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel had just about pulled her through the stressful ordeal.
Her hands now smelled of cool camomile.
Or so the bottle label would have her believe.

Now, sitting beneath a curtainless bay window, hunger pangs were echoing a trill vibrato through her thin rib cage, yet food was the last thing on her mind.
She could see through the small plastic aperture two brown spools of tape. The dull silver chrome lid was fastened tightly, refusing to budge; some finger nails were scratched and broken with the effort she had put into trying to remove it.
What she would do if it eventually came loose she had not thought about.
Outside, in the distance, the sound of traffic rumbled like a slumbering dragon. Sparrow picked up the coin and flipped it over into the palm of her hand.
It was slightly warm.
It looked, as far as she was concerned, perfectly normal.
She pinched the coin tightly between her thumb and index finger and squeezed it as hard as she could.
She didn’t know what she expected to happen.
Perhaps to bend and fold into the shape of her squeezing fingers.
Or to snap and split into two segmented parts.
A thin sheen of rain blossomed on the window obscuring the view momentarily.
Condensation was slowly creeping up the old leaded glass.


Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3557 comments posted) 30th June 2008
You ask for wise words , well I'll do my best although I should say that SF is not my sort of thing.I do struggle with it and, true to form, I struggled a bit here. There was a lot of atmosphere but not much context and I couldn't quite orientate myself in the story.  
It felt like a mix of SF and Gothic horror to me. You hinted at a lot of danger and menace.  
I realise it is, probably, just the beginning and there is more explanation to come. You have certainly created some interest and curiosity. 
I was confused by the fact that she operated the tape recorder earlier but later it was shut and she broke nails trying to open it.I have read it twice but am still confused by it. Perhaps it's just me 
Also I thought the style of writing distracted the reader from the story in places; for example:- 
"hunger pangs were echoing a trill vibrato through her thin rib cage, yet food was the last thing on her mind" 
 
A bit overdone for my taste. It's a thin line between Gothic style horror and kitsch  
Don't know if any of this is helpful 
cheers 
jane

Written by Kale (7 comments posted) 30th June 2008
Thanks Jane... 
I suppose I could have been a little more specific on the design of the machine. The chrome lid covers the tape heads and the tape inside.The controls are on the front of the recorder. It's a pretty old contraption.  
I'll have to have a potter about about with that and try and make it clearer.  
Nonetheless thankyou for your honesty. :grin

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3557 comments posted) 1st July 2008
I suppose I should qualify my remarks by saying that I am not an SF fan so my comments on style should be taken with a pinch of salt. 
As I say it certainly grabbed my interest

Written by stevetroster (1599 comments posted) 1st July 2008
Kale, hello. 
 
Unlike Jane, I am a Sci-fi fan. I’ve read copious amounts of the stuff and have also written a fair bit. 
The first thing that struck me about this (and I accept the fact that this is only an intro and that things may become clearer in time - no pun intended) was that your time travel device seems to lack any form of control mechanism. “Sparrow pressed harder on the rewind button and watched the fifty-pence piece dissolve, and then re-appear.” 
Would it not be more logical if rewind moved the object into the past and forward brought it back? And vice-versa.  
As we join the experiment part way through, you could have begun with: “Sparrow pressed the forward wind button and watched the fifty-pence piece re-appear.” 
Moving on: should it not be ‘simple fact(s) of the matter…Time travel was possible,’ as you only state one fact, i.e. time travel is possible. 
Tense (I have an issue with the use of the words ‘had’ and ‘this’): I can’t believe I’m doing this, as opposed to, I can’t believe I did it. 
“All she had been able to think about whilst investigating through the sticky strings of cobwebs and accumulated dust was how hard she would need to wash her hands. (after this - superfluous).” 
“Until they bled quite possibly.” most people bleed blood. ‘Quite possibly until they bled.’ 
“Sparrow had not been able to believe *what* she was doing (this).” 
“She had resisted the urge to eject herself…” comes after you have told us of her discovery, so by then it’s pretty obvious that she resisted the urge.  
Had: It had, she had, etcetera. In a lot of cases the ‘had’ is superfluous. 
It: It worked. It actually worked. It affected…  
 
 
Trembling with anticipation, Sparrow pressed the forward wind button and watched the fifty-pence piece re-appear. It worked! It actually worked! 
So far, she could only affect a small circumference of space but there was no denying the fact that time travel was possible. 
 
I could go on but time is short - no pun intended. 
 
An interesting intro that just needs a little tidy up. Hope this helps, all the best, 
Steve.  
 
 

Written by Kale (7 comments posted) 1st July 2008
Hi Steve, 
 
thanks for the input. I see what you mean by the vague description at the start of the story. Believe it or not my intention was to use forward and backwards as you suggested...but now I've read the line a few times it doesn't scan that well does it? 
I'll tinker with it a little and see what happens. 
Once again cheers for your feedback...much appreciated.
Hello
Written by littledom2008 (95 comments posted) 3rd July 2008
This is very interesting. Other people have already pointed out to you the minor errors so I'll just say I'm interested to see where you take this. 
 
D.C 

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