A second paltry attempt at Sue's (fellpony's) 'Topic for July', 'BY HEART'.
Hope it it goes down a bit better than my first poor piece . . . but, then, you never know!
Cheers All!
John X
By Heart
When our first love was breaking dawn,
you sang me a song
with words filled full by heart and soul,
yet you and I were wrong
to think that poetry conquers all –
it matters not a jot or a tittle
compared with all that we’ve been through,
it takes more than a little
strength to know that love is blind
and will not meet the ends
to which we strive with purpose,
no matter what life sends.
And so I lie beside you now,
wondering where we’ll be
when she draws all her curtains close
and shuts up eternity.
|
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
| John, I can only tell you that you have a few mistakes with the metre in this poem. For example, the second line of the first verse: 4 iambic feet on first line, but on the second I'm lost. You could have put: "You sang to me a song" ie You SANG to ME a SONG - making up three. Then the second line of the second verse goes pear-shaped again. I think you need just to go over this as it wouldn't take long to correct it. |
Too jaunty!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
Thank you Josie!
But sometimes sticking to the metre risks 'jauntiness', as I fear in this case.
"You sang to me a song" would be better in pure metrical terms, but when you read it aloud, it sounds too light.
Honest! Try it!
Nothing wrong,in my view, with adding the odd ponderous 'spondee' (two long feet) into the jolly trip of iambs!
What do you think?
Cheers!
John X |
To explain . . .
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
|
. . . again!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
Josie . . .
Your idea is:
"you SANG to ME a SONG" = perfect iambic trimeter.
My intention is:
"YOU sang ME a SONG" = different metre, but carries the meaning much better.
Opinions?
Yo!
John X |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
If those are mistakes then it shows that not all mistakes are bad. I thought it was a really sweet and and well phrased poem. I thought the "jauntiness" of it added to the charm. As a non- poet I think the overall effect is more important than structural perfection. For example
"You sang to me a song" might be more correct but
"You sang me a song" is more conversational and is more true to the tenor of the piece. Sometimes a poem works when it doesn't work [if you see what I mean] but, hey, I'm no poet
jane |
Jane!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
You get my point entirely!
There's no animosity going on here, by the way, just jolly banter about 'metre' etc.
But your comment warms me to the core!
Thank you so much for your encouraging opinion.
I'm inspired!
Cheers!
John X |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
Nice way of putting it:
when she draws all her curtains close
and shuts up eternity
(Though I notice it's there again. Almost a signature theme! Not a crit - just an observation.)
Like Jane, I thought the overall tone of the piece worked well. The metre didn't bother me in the slightest. A nit pick from another non poet would be the transition from v 2 to 3 - but then I've never really got to grips to grips with line breaks. When the curtains close I'll still likely be none the wiser!
Phil |
BTW...
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
I thought Wednesday was Katie's night out?  |
Katie's Night Out!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
Ha! Ha! Phil . . . Katie's actually having a long, well-deserved sleep. Bless!
So I've taken over as Tolstoy, Homer . . .
esentially the same John.
Whoooo!
KYJ (now, no one has picked up on that yet, or perhaps they're too polite to mention it?)
Ha! Just one for the bath!
John X |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
| Jelly? |
Well, ok, you sussed it!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
A poor joke . . .
But oh ho!
Cheers!
Katanga (Why?) Jelly.
Love as ever,
Roger X |
Hello Phil
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 3rd July 2008 |
Hi Phil - I meant to ask you what you were referring to in your kind review above, where you say,
" (Though I notice it's there again. Almost a signature theme! Not a crit - just an observation.)
I must be thick but I can't work out 'it' refers to!
Please enlighten me if you see this!
Cheers!
John |
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