My effort for the July topic.
I know your skin by heart;
I can recite the freckles on your arm,
the moles on your shoulders.
I know the range of tones,
can sing dark brown, and lighter brown, and pink,
and pitch each colour true.
I could draw contour maps,
that show each line and curve in perfect scale,
all perfectly aligned.
I've memorised the marks
of long-healed, long-forgotten injuries,
a diagram of scars.
I counted follicles,
and made a calculation of fine hairs,
as others count the stars.
I know your skin by heart,
but your heart remains an untold story.
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Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
This topic has certainly sparked some good stuff already - and it's only the 2nd of July!
All of this read very well. The idea in the last line, which comes as rather a shock, prompts thought about how the untold story might be discovered - I rather wanted to be told how the lover would try that, but that may be just me being romantic. Your version is more ambiguous - could be romantic, could be cynical. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
I first read it as an intimate poem - who can know the skin of someone to this degree unless they are lovers with a lifetime of history together and have matured in love?
Reciting freckles on the arm, memorising the scars, counting follicles and fine hairs like stars, were beautiful images to me of familiarity, compassion and gentleness born out of deep personal and private knowledge.
The 2nd stanza was very interesting, describing the skin tone to auditory experience - song, pitch to colour. It speaks of intuitive knowing, that gut-level knowing by inner perception. It reminded me of tuning forks vibrating at the same frequency together.
So when I read the last line, like fp, I thought how can this be? How can you not know the heart of a person after all this?
Is the poet saying, the lover holds back a part of his heart, perhaps a painful past that he will not share - not with anyone, and not even face it himself? Perhaps he has locked away a part of himself. Surely the poem can't be saying she doesn't really know him. Or is she? After all she says she knows his skin by heart.
So I'm left intrigued and puzzled. That last line does turn everything on its head, and leaves the reader thinking! (Perhaps that was your intention???) A predictable finish would have not made me ponder like this!
Mia  |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
Liked this very much. I thought it developed naturally and I like the way it ends. It does draw a stark contrast between the physical and mental.
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (603 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
Ainsel
I was thinking of writing on this topic but I am a little discouraged now because you have put down in writing something I would have liked to have said, but much better than I could have said ir.
A lovely piece with a mysteriously poignant ending, as Mia commented. I loved the allusions to pitch and contours and diagrams, a subtle set of metaphors that were all the better for not being described too closely.
Great work
V |
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
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Superb!
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
This is what I would have written, had I been a better poet. Ha!
I think this is a brilliant piece . . .
I am humbled.
One day I hope to see 'the story of your heart' even if it remains a mystery . . .
Cheers!
John X |
Somewhat overcome
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 2nd July 2008 |
with the quality of this -- so much so that the fingers get all wobbly with the haste to say so.
I can say no more than has been said -- and like Veronica , I bow out before a much more worthy entry.
Your affinity to music shows through -- and the other metaphors are equally good, as Veronica says
mia has put her usual thoughtful comments too.
So all I can add is that this is a really good posting.
patterjack |
Goodness!
Written by ainsel (46 comments posted) 3rd July 2008 |
I'm quite embarrassed to have received such positive reviews from writers whose own works I admire. It means a lot to me, as well, that some are looking below the surface and finding deeper interpretations, as well. Thank you for your encouragement.
ainsel |
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