So Pathetic Bob came into my office this morning and said, “Hey Mike, I’ve been watching TV again, and I heard something about ‘upcoming elections.’ What are elections?”

“Well Bob,” I said, “Elections are when a small group of the American public votes on which rich, ego-driven people will represent them as their president and in congress.”

“Why does only a small group get to choose?”

“They don’t,” I said, “Everyone who is over 18 and is a citizen who hasn’t committed a felony has a right to vote, but most of them are too damn lazy or stupid to exercise that right.”

“Jeez Mike, you can’t really blame them for that. I mean, I don’t like to exercise either, it makes me tired and thirsty.”

I sighed. “Bob, it isn’t that kind of exercise. You just go to a polling place, walk in, and check off who you want to win. It’s pretty simple, really.”

“Oh,” he said, then quickly added, “So you guys let a small percentage of people decide who is going to make decisions for everybody.”

“That’s pretty much it,” I answered.”

Bob thought for a minute then asked, “Are you going to vote in the election.”

“Yeah, I think I will.”

“So who are you going to vote for?”

“Mostly Democratic candidates,” I said.

“What are ‘Democratic candidates’?”

“People who belong to the Democratic Party. In most cases, they are running against people who belong to the Republican Party.”

“What’s the difference between Democrats and Republicans?” Bob asked.

“There are times when I ask myself the same question, Bob. I guess some people would say Democrats are liberal, progressive tree-huggers who want to tax the rich. They might also say Republicans are conservative, narrow-minded, religious, war-mongering bigots.

“It seems that no matter what political party a politician belongs to, during an election cycle, he or she is sure to give a bunch of speeches about ‘family values’.”

“What are ‘family values?” asked Bob.

“Well Bob, if you listen to politicians, family values are an idealized version of truth, justice and the American way. However, if you watch what they do, and if recent history and current events are any indication, politicians seem to think family values include lying, spying, and denying. I think they also include gay bashing, opponent trashing, and critic smashing, along with Bible thumping, pharmaceutical dumping, and congressional-page humping.”

“I wish I could vote,” said Bob.

“If you could, who would you vote for?” I asked.

“None of the above.”