This started off as a love poem to an anonymous woman. Then I thought, "How can I feel so strongly about an unknown, albeit personable, girl?"
It was intended as a continuation of the theme of 'Poetry and Religion', which Josie and Mia have been touching on so well.
Then I realised I was writing about, what is for me, a greater love, mine for for my Dad.
If the last line seems overly 'romantic', please bear in mind that my father and I sang the odd song together. Usually in the bathroom! Ho!
Weird! Hope it strikes a chord?
I guess I could extend it . . . ?
Cheers! As ever . . .
John X
To My Dad
It’s good to hear that when I die,
my soul will go somewhere.
But when I think about our life,
my heart’s beyond repair.
Please see my eyes, these longing eyes,
and you will surely know
that Heaven isn’t meant for me,
so where now shall I go?
I’ll follow you through fields of green
grass that’s dressed in dew
and in the morning’s startling light
I’ll sing our love song with you.
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Written by Josie (2945 comments posted) 4th July 2008 | "But when I think about our life,
my heart’s beyond repair."
It reads as if your father did something which caused you awful heartbreak John, and yet you have written him a love poem? Am I being stupid and not understood something? For me, green at the end of one line and grass at the start of the next seems strange as they are so connected. Unless you mean:
"I'll follow you through fields of green,
With grass that's dressed in dew." Or: grass that's wet with dew. That would make more sense).
Then this makes more sense to me.
Well done.
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Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 4th July 2008 | Josie has a good point. It's an enjambement, but because the reader tends to put a little emphasis at the start of lines (and 'grass' is a stressed beat anyway - the line drops the first unstressed beat), it feels a bit awkward.
Josie's first suggestion seems good, 'dressed in dew' sounds better than 'wet with dew'.
I like the first stanza.
The last line of the second: 'so where now shall I go?' is a little awkward for me with its syntax inversion, but that's a matter of taste.
'I’ll sing our love song with you.' Seems to have a beat too many ('love')?
| Thanks Josie!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 4th July 2008 | I loved my father and he me, but he was a manic-depressive (bi-polar in Newspeak!), who amongst other things tried to commit suicide near the end of his life, only surviving a further few months, so my emotions about him are strong and somewhat mixed I suppose. When he was 'high' he literally thought he was Jesus Christ and went round showing everyone the imaginary 'stigmata' on his hands, saying "Look, I have come down from the cross!". He had to be hauled off to hospital in a straight jacket and 'sectioned'. Streuth! He died when I was sixteen.
On a lighter note, in that final stanza I intend a kind of 'enjambment'. I don't mean 'fields of green with grass in them', I mean 'fields of green grass'.
Does that make sense? It does to me, but if it doesn't to you and others, then I'm worried!
Cheers!
John X | Thanks Rob!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 4th July 2008 | Very interesting!
Do you think 'so where shall I now go?' would be better? I have a feeling it would be less awkward!
'fields of green grass'. Both you and Josie make good points on this - I honestly can't decide whether to change it or not! Think I'll sleep on it . . .
Yes, maybe I should take 'love' out of the last line . . .
I'll ponder. I have a habit of doing something irregular with the metre in my last lines in order to make the last line more 'impactful'.
Not sure if it works? Probably not a good ideaa, although it seems to have worked in other cases judging by people's comments.
Opinions please - it would help me yo know what people think on this!
Cheers!
John | Green grass
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 5th July 2008 | Hi, John,
As it reads to me there is nothing wrong with that stanza.
As Nathan points out the stress naturally falls on green, but in making the following line trochaic rather than iambic is not only very common, but so common I'm surprised this subject has arisen. It reads perfect to me. That is my opinion.
Nice piece, by the way,
Cheers |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3713 comments posted) 5th July 2008 | I'll never understand poets; commenting, here, on points of form but not the content it communicates. They seem to reading the words but not what they say. I thought it carried a powerful ambiguity and a tangible sense of loss mixed together.
I thought
"that Heaven isn’t meant for me,
so where now shall I go? "
gave a revealing insight into the relationship and the emotional scars it left. I found it an unsettling and emotionally charged piece but it was obvious, here, despite all that, that you loved him.
A complex piece
cheers
jane | Sorry Jane
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 5th July 2008 | To bang on about form, but advice has been requested and it is important to poetry.
One thing I forgot, John, was to mention that final line;
To me it still reads with three beats; no-one would read
I'LL sing OUR love SONG with YOU (I don't think so anyway).
The first stress would naturally fall on 'sing.' The second on 'love.' The third? 'With,' maybe, but I feel this would be easily skipped over and the stress falling on 'you.'
The reader may also decide to stress 'song' rather than 'love.'
Both Spenser and Keats were fond of finishing their stanzas with lines of a longer metrical foot.
Humble opinion, don't know if any of this helps.
Cheers |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3713 comments posted) 5th July 2008 | | Fair enough. As I say I'm no poet and just comment on what interests me. | Helps Enormously!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 5th July 2008 | Thank you Brett!
I love getting 'intuitive / emotional' reviews, and there's nothing wrong with them - in fact I celebrate them till the proverbials come home - but it is a great boon to me to me to get a constructve review from an expert such as your good self! (Hmmm - that looks sarcastic. It isn't!)
Cheers! (Rock on Stevie Nicks! Oh, Sara . . . .)
Homer X |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 7th July 2008 | Again, deeply touched. The puzzling ambiguity of pain as well longing (explained by your comments later) probably is not at all uncommon when we remember our parents. We seem to receive our greatest security from them as well as our deepest hurt because we expect them to be everything to us and they cannot. Being a mother now, my deepest sympathy goes to the the children who don't have a parent who loves them unconditionally, however imperfect that love may be.
The 3rd stanza was especially touching for me. It is as if you want another chance with your father, to rewrite your chapter with him, so that it will read differently and end differently. (Don't we all want that? That's the main reason I write, I think - I want a different ending to people's lives, to save them, and thereby get my own salvation in some strange vicarious way.)
Mia  | Thanks Mia!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 7th July 2008 | You have reviewed almost all my stuff with great thought and care . . .
I often think that your reviews are more thought-provoking and poignant than my actual poems!
And that's supposed to be a compliment!
Many thanks!
John X |
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