This is something I have had in my notes for some time, so far only family (wife and brother) have read it -- all thoughts welcome.
Kiryani stood motionless, all his senses taught with concerntration, surveying his surroundings. Something was different, wrong. The young Alami warrior could not be sure of the cause, he just new his training was telling him to proceed with caution. He reached a wide clearing in the dense thicket he was moving through. Crouching low he took in the details of his next obstacle. The entire clearing was filled with a sea of swaying waist high golden yellow grass. The breeze rustled through it making the grass appear to dance to its own faint lament. The Alami slowly edged forward into the sway, constantly aware that the feeling of wrongness was ever present and ever growing. The sun was warm on his back, two crickets chirped to each other across the clearing, he stooped and let a small smile briefly cross his lean face. From behind him he detected two faint clicks, instantly Kiryani spun, dropping to his left knee as he turned. The young warriors sharp eyes quickly focused on two small bolts arrowing towards him. In a practised fluid movement he whipped his sword from its sheath. As the young warrior drew his weapon, the world seemed to slow and he was easily able to deflect the certain death flying towards his head. As the second bolt deflected from his sword, the world caught up and the boltss flew harmlessly into the bush. Kiryani stood motionless with his "butani" poised in front of him. Alert, ready, at peace.
"Good, good my young pupil, good"
" Yes master Kyoto, I felt it" breathed Kiryani in reply to his masters comment.
Kiryani sheathed his butanni and moved into a more relaxed stance, awaiting his master to reveal himself. A tall figure moved into sight at the far edge of the clearing, grand master Sybul Kyoto strode towards his student. As the master approached the young Alami warrior bowed respectfully.
" Excellent" appraised the old man " your senses are progressing. However there is still room for improvement"
Kiryanis' face remained emotionless, but he could not help feeling a little disappointed that he had not yet achieved perfection in his masters eyes.
Kyoto turned to face his his disciple.
"What is this?" he asked "disappointment" he took a step closer and looked intently into the young mans expressionless golden brown eyes " do not question your master boy"
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Written by stevetroster (1618 comments posted) 9th July 2008 | Not good, I’m afraid.
There are several spelling mistakes/typos: concerntration, boltss, his his, etc.
And what is a “Desciple”?
Even worse is the fact that you misspell your own words: "butani" - butanni.
And your characters name: Kiryani - Kiryanis. Unless you meant to place the apostrophe before the S? Kiryani’s.
Talking of apostrophes: masters or master’s? mans or man’s?
Your punctuation is almost nonexistent.
This passage needs at least another five pieces of punctuation: "What is this?" he asked "disappointment" he took a step closer and looked intently into the young mans expressionless golden brown eyes " do not question your master boy"
And this section needs at least another four pieces of punctuation: " Excellent" appraised the old man " your senses are progressing. However there is still room for improvement"
“All his senses taught with concerntration.”? Who taught them to him? Did you mean ‘taut’? As in stretched tightly? His taste was stretched tightly!
“Crouching low he took in the details of his next obstacle. The entire clearing was filled with a sea of swaying waist high golden yellow grass.” Mm, not much of an obstacle is it? I think even I could deal with waist-high grass, and I’m not an Alami warrior.
Steve. |
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (108 comments posted) 29th July 2008 | There are a few obvious mistakes that you will spot if you reread, and spellcheck, your story. Plus, it’s best to avoid appearing to contradict yourself, e.g. If Kiryani was stood, motionless, how could he be moving through the dense thicket? And later, if he had dropped to one knee, how could he be stood motionless again?
‘…bolts arrowing towards him’ doesn’t sound right - how about ‘crossbow bolts flying towards him’? Plus, you are missing some inverted commas, e.g. warrior’s and master’s. I hope this helps.
Ian
Guiseley, UK
| Room for improvement.
Written by KaydieKate (75 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | An interesting premise. Is this the first draft? You do have a lot of spelling and grammatical mistakes, which detract from what is happening.
But you can fix the things like he was standing still, then suddenly moving. Or he was crouching, then standing. All it takes is careful review.
What you need to ask yourself is "Where is this story going?" As interesting the scene is, what is it leading to? The end hints of conflict, but what and why?
I suggest a closer look at spelling and grammar before you post next. It makes the reader, us, focus more on that and less on what your story needs.
As a general rule, simpler lines are usually more powerful. Instead of
"Something was different, wrong."
put
"Something was wrong.
Also, break the story into paragraphs. It helps maintain the flow, and cheats the reader. A block of writing looks longer than four paragraphs.
For example: "Some thing was different, wrong." New paragraph.
And I don't think "arrowing" is a word.
Periods go in quotations.
"Good, my young pupil, good" becomes "Good, my young pupil, good."
And we know he is replying to the master, you don't need to tell us. Avoid being repetitive. Stating the obvious makes me feel like you think I'm stupid.
It needs work, but is not wholly bad. |
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