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I Never Meant It Like That…
By Jakkstarr
06 July 2008
Now, this isn't my first written work but it's the first one I'd like to submit.

The story of the poem was inspired by an incident in my childhood, and the rhyming style was inspired by the late great Edgar Allen Poe.

Hope you like it and I welcome comments.

A drawing raw with naive bliss scribbled on my bedroom wall.
A hush presided, as mother mild came condemnatory at the door.
As judge, jury and executioner, she sought excuse for what she saw -
Some figures fixed with mocking eyes like a Caravaggio caricature.

“To err is human!” This old cliché into my remorseful mind was bored.
I wished to speak, but felt too weak to grieve the mercy I implored.
I longed to voice a rueful cry - one not even the heavens could ignore!
This Wednesday night a sorry sight, made so by crayon men, and more.

Ever contrite my soft soul felt, never wishing harm or hurt -
My retching face of sorrow simply could not utter words so curt.
An inexpressible repentant heart worn loosely on my short-sleeved shirt,
A fury swirling – my fists a-curling - dropping numb down in the dirt!

Forgive me; I make it sound a desperate drama of Shakespearean yore.
Truth be told: a crude apology, made of “Sorry,” poorly formed,
A night ban on telly and no after-tea jelly really made my brain feel sore.
I like to embellish. Give me a break - I was only four.

Reviews
Hi Jakkstarr
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 6th July 2008
(no pun on hijack intended!) and welcome. 
Whilst this piece certainly has its merits - good structure, some excellent rhymes, skillful alliteration (Caravaggio caricature - love that!), I do feel that both 'implored' and 'yore' seem too close to 'The Raven', and seem archaic when in proximity to 'telly' and 'Give me a break.' 
 
Perhaps there is a tongue in cheek humour that I fail to grasp here. Only my humble opinion, so good luck! 
Cheers

Written by Jakkstarr (2 comments posted) 6th July 2008
HI Brett, and thanks for the comment. 
 
In the poem, I tried to sort of relay a scene where the narrator character was lying while telling this story of an archaic, dramatic fashion, and then the common present day terms came around to juxtapose that in the real recollection of the punishment. 
 
At least that's what I tried to do anyway, heehee. 
 
I'm glad you liked some of the alliteration. 
Hello Jakk!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 6th July 2008
Very intriguing - liked this a lot! 
 
I think Brett has a good point - there's something a bit insonsistent in the 'register', but, yes, it's rich stuff. 
 
One small niggle - ' . . . this old cliche into my remorseful mind was bore' 
 
'bore'? 'bored', 'born'? Needs checking IMHO 
 
Cheers! 
 
John

Written by Jakkstarr (2 comments posted) 6th July 2008
Aha! Good spot Katanga, i completely missed that! 
 
I take on both your and Brett's opinions gratefully. It was a spur of the moment poem, and it's only the start for me. Some of the line did play my mind up quite a bit and I had to juggle things around so nothing seemed too out of place. 
 
I'm glad you both like it too! :grin
Spur of the Moment?!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 6th July 2008
If this was a 'spur of the moment' piece, I take my hat off to you! 
 
I simply now look forward to your more 'considered' pieces . . . 
 
More please 
 
Cheers! 
 
John

Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (306 comments posted) 7th July 2008
I think this is a bit OTT and have to agree with most of the comments already expressed. To me, some of the rhymes seem forced "I wished to speak, but felt too weak to grieve the mercy I implored." 
 
I wished to speak, but felt too weak to mourn the mercy I begged urgently!  
 
I, too, will look forward to a more considered piece. 
 
Regards, 
Turk. 

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