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Poetry
A Wish For Winter
By Jakkstarr
07 July 2008
Now this isn't my best so I'd love some opinions on it.

I came up with it when I remembered winter really is quite far away at this point in time, so imagination became my muse.

Hope you like it!

A distant Spring is far away
As Heaven drops a blanket at their feet.
With melancholy memories now at bay,
The sweet December snowflakes line the street.

The wintry water flourish had begun
With tranquil dark at 10 o’ clock the morn.
As pallor patchwork clouds surround the sun,
A silent symphony of snow is born.

A perfect picture postcard echoed out;
The calmness beating back a heavy heart.
Emotion ceased, as time stood still throughout,
From wonderment imbued by nature’s art.

An illumination was abound
In souls of man and woman all the same.
But sudden lamentation came aground:
The solemn thought it may ne’er come again.

Reviews
Like it!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 6th July 2008
I like this a lot, but think it could do with jiggling . . . 
 
I love some images e.g. 'A silent symphony of snow', but other lines / phrases jar a bit. 
 
I'm not too keen on 'archaisms' such as 'morn' and 'ne'er' but that might be just me? 
 
Also, 'pallor patchwork'? Not sure - 'pallid patchwork'? 
 
and 'An illumination was abound'? Hmmm! Doesn't quite make sense grammatically / syntactically. 
 
But I really like the overall feel to this! 
 
Cheers! 
 
Sorry if I sound picky! 
 
John

Written by Veronica_Milvus (794 comments posted) 7th July 2008
I might be tempeted to switch these lines around: 
 
With melancholy memories now at bay, 
The sweet December snowflakes line the street. 
A distant Spring is far away 
As Heaven drops a blanket at their feet. 
 
just because it makes it easier to work our what the "their" refers to. Some nice images here, and I agree with Katanga's comments too. 
 

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