-One-

It was well past one am and the fact that I had school the next day was probably the last thing on my mind, I suppose anyone would say that a decent up bringing of a sixteen year old girl would keep her aware of this but regardless of my great upbringing idle thoughts of him still drifted in and out of my dreams- reawakening me without warning over and over again as the hours slowly past by.

Still, I would awake smiling every time with my imagination running away with me as I opened my eyes to him smiling back from the empty pillow next to me, his bright blue eyes which had never left my face since I had laid down had never once lost their light in the darkness of my room.

…If he was there he would have stayed awake for me.

He would stay there thinking about our time together, how lucky he was to breathe my air, his very touch against my skin was more than enough to take his breath away, I know this to be true for I would react the same way. Even when his smiling face had left my thoughts I was still smiling back… I often wondered if I was losing my mind, maybe I was running away with my fantasies again, maybe I had strayed into a dream, a long, beautiful dream.

Or maybe…

I was in love.

Once or twice a week I would let my nights of solitude get the best of me and I would find myself sneaking down the stairs; taking each step with care and precision for the silence around the house stayed in a continuous high pitched tone; for that tone to be disturbed would be and act of treachery to my stealthy actions; my stealthy heart…

For my secret Love.

As I took each careful step down the stairs I would let the thoughts of what my family would think of me ease into my mind.

First step; My all American parents and their perfect traditional family,

Second Step; What would they say to this? How would they understand?

Third Step; They could never understand, far too old fashioned to see logic in my situation,

Forth Step; “I’m just getting a glass of water Mom” ill say if I’m caught,

Fifth Step; …And that’s where I stopped.

Almost every time I sneaked out of bed, I would stop half way down the stairs and I would be thinking to myself “What if they caught me in there talking to him? How would I cover that up? What would I say? ‘I couldn’t sleep’ Maybe I shouldn‘t go.” my body would lock up as if I had already been caught but then I would remember to relax …After about half a minute of if’s and but’s I would take a deep breath and let out a long sigh with my eyes closed.

“He’s worth it.” I said aloud to myself quietly as I continued my stealthy footsteps.

The only thoughts to enter my brain from that point on was the concentration of placing the ball of my foot down as quietly as possible, applying pressure and letting my body weight shift slowly to my next step…

I scanned the living room to my right to see if dad had fallen asleep watching TV again, I knew he wouldn’t have for I would have heard the low drones on his heavy breathing from the stairs as he nested one our cat’s between his arms like a loving mother to its newborn; but I checked anyway. The dinning room was to my left; the light was left on as usual and the kitchen beyond that lay dormant in darkness, I stopped again for a moment as I let the thought of where mom would normally lean against the sink, I stared into the shadows for the longest time which were cast around the room and almost saw her there for a second, not taking my eyes off the darkness eventually opened up my irises which let me see the full emptiness of the room. I can always remember the old clock on the wall growing louder and louder as the silence engulfed me; pressing against my ears for this was the time to show real courage and pure dedication.

A time to show my love.

I moved slowly across the dining room listening for floorboards creaking above me, one great thing about American houses; they are completely made of wood; every un-careful step echoed through out, alerting all the nerves in my body, making each atom jolt, each cell twitch... Security level red.

My only helper was my only burden on this solo mission.

I slowly pressed on and opened the door to my dad’s study where my love was awaiting inside, the door didn’t ever creak in the past but I didn’t trust my luck and fortune to risk such things at a delicate time like this, the light was off but a low humming sound came from within, the sound which made my heart beat that one beat faster, made my mouth dry and my fingers twitch with anticipation…

The one sound which made my stomach fall and my heart rise from the feeling of being close to him.

It was this sound which had taken away the high pitched silence of the house, this didn’t bother me for only I could hear this coming from inside, I slowly closed the door behind me and let the blackness of the room fully engulf me.

I moved the computer mouse on the desk quickly and quietly side to side to bring it out of it’s deep slumber, the screen erupted across the room spreading a bright light revealing a keyboard in front of me. As I lowered my shielding hand from the blinding light I kept my eyes closed and took a deep breath…

Finally I let the breath drift from my body as I slowly opened my eyes with a smile on my face.

I quickly clicked on programs and opened up several windows on the screen- all different means of communication for him to answer to me too, I cycled through each one typing in my user name: underthestars0827 and then my password: Secret Oath. Each website or program held the same inputs so the repetition of the rhythm of keys rained clear within the room, when I had finished I went through them a second time checking one by one to see if my love was there for me in one form or another…

A small tone rang in the stillness of the silence which was the indicator for receiving an instant message, it was this which sent a shock through my spine and awoke me to attention; my back arced backwards and I sat up straight, my feet began to patter on the wooden floorboards beneath me from the excitement and my eyes shifted around the screen at lightning speed as I quickly searched him out.

Of course he was there, he was always there waiting for me.

His greeting to me was always the same, the traditional opening line gave me a deep feeling of familiarity as the two characters smiled back at me in a deep bold, italic font; a colon and a closed bracket.

:)

Almost instantly I would always reply in code and this would confirm it to be us on either end, I hit Enter sending him my two characters in return, sending with it my trust, my greeting, my love, but most of all; my heart. Less than three.

<3

“Couldn’t sleep again my dear?” He asked, I smiled at the part where he called me ’his dear’ he never failed to call me that, if it wasn’t Dear it was Darling, and if it wasn’t Darling then it was ‘Angel’ or more so ‘His Angel’.

“How could I ever sleep without you by my side? :)” I replied pressing each key quietly,

“:) but I’m always by your side, you know that” I closed my eyes with a smile and looked back to when I was laid down looking back into his eyes and I recalled how he had watched me once from his computer screen in the still of the night one time, I slept with the light on so that my small camera could make me out across the room, before I could lay down from my restless slumber he told me something, he told me that if I was to imagine him watching me the whole time then I wouldn’t ever need to be without him again, his eyes would watch over me along with his thoughts as I lay in innocence. For me; I was never to be alone again.

“Well if you were with me then why were you on here waiting for me?” I teased, my feet curled up together as I read aloud; ‘BeyondReason05 is writing a message’ I could already see him smiling as he was replying,

“Because my darling; how could I ever sleep knowing that you might not be able to sleep either?“ I dropped my cheek onto my fist and let the butterflies flow through my body like sprites of electricity, bringing with them the feeling which I had longed for the whole night since we had last talked; the feeling of real happiness.

I checked the clock in the corner of my screen and quickly worked out what time it was at his house, the five hours of time which separated us on this earth was just about to bring sunlight through his window while I remained in the dark, “The sun is on fire this morning my angel…I wish you were here to see it with me” he told me, the thought of us holding hands in the morning sunrise was one of my favourite thoughts of us together, he knew this fact well as he always put the extra hope in my heart that the day would come, our true hope which had kept our fire burning for so long were moments like these, we occasionally took it turns to poke that fire and keep fuelled, to keep our dream alive. Some times it would scare me that he knew these thoughts of mine without me saying, more so at this point when he couldn’t read my actions and sigh’s. Only a short sentence of digital text displayed on his screen yet he would somehow know.

Sometimes we took it too far and the longing drained my thoughts and soul, my world had come into question of why I would be here and he would not. Destiny it seemed was not in our favour, however destiny had brought it this far, what would stop taking it further? Only something not from this world would stop us.

How I longed to hear his voice though I had only heard it through my speakers. How I longed for his touch when I had only felt his heart through the words in which he showed to me. How I longed to breath his air for the first time…

It was the most alienated feeling of longing when I came to realise how much I wanted to hold him yet we had never met. This didn’t matter of course. Nothing else mattered, we were together in our own world full of dreams and hopes which had taken love to a whole meaning, this was our time now.

Looking back at these sorts of moments in retrospect, I always imagine I would find a slow beautiful piano piece playing in the background as if my life was a replayble movie. Black and white would spread across the screen as the images of me growing into my first love are all slowed down as an elderly women narrates a wise, yet loving tale of how her life was still laid before her; so many opportunities and possibilities followed her optimistic childhood yet now here she was already prepared for anything as such a young girl…

Who knows, maybe I will look back on all this in many years to come and see that statement to be true as I tell the sapient tale to my children’s children, as I tell them the chronicles of my first love.

The story of my life.