Any suggestions for title would be good. I picked this one because "Untitled" doesn't suit the work at all. This is an edited version, thanks to Amboline for all the help! He has hazel eyes. I like that. My last had blue, deep pools
Of endless emotions he couldn't
Bear to express to anyone.
He couldn't even open up for me. He has dark hair that I run my fingers through. But the other had mousy hair
Matched his attitude to life
Not quite a lively blonde, not quite
A serious brunette... He has expressive hands, artist's fingers. Not the other.
He wrote prose,
Essays, coursework,
"Let me pencil you in." That one screwed me up, like a
Rough draft you chuck in the paper bin. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 3rd January 2006 | Mmmm... REALLY like this. And I think the title is great.
This piece stands as it is but if you want to there's scope to polish it even more, mainly by tightening up the structure. The pattern you use for the first 4 stanzas (1 line, then 4, then 1, then 4) is very effective and gives a great sense of focus to the piece. Consequently, when this changes in stanzas 5 and 6 I feel there's a small (but only a small) weakening of the focus. Stanza 5 could be more effective just as a single line ("He has expressive hands, artist's fingers" - the rest of this stanza is a little more cliched and noticeably more subjective than the good observational writing which precedes it, I don't think the poem would lose anything by these two lines being omitted). The final stanza could remain as it is though - as a last thought this is very cutting, and the 2-line stanza provides an excellent counterpoint to the rest of the piece.
That's an analytical view. From an entirely subjective view, this is already very effective in its own right. Nice one! |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 17th January 2006 | | this is great princess, I've this befoer but now i look at it again it speaks to me. especially the situation of comparison i keep finding myself in at the moment. I could almost fill in the blanks with the personal details of...yeah, firthy and morley :P |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 17th January 2006 | | this is great princess, I've this befoer but now i look at it again it speaks to me. especially the situation of comparison i keep finding myself in at the moment. I could almost fill in the blanks with the personal details of...yeah, firthy and morley :P |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 20th January 2006 | Just looked at your amended version, and it's quite a bit stronger than the original. Everything's in place now: structure, flow of ideas, and that gorgeous imagery. You should think about submitting this for publication somewhere, it's fabulous  |
Written by Chaos (14 comments posted) 23rd January 2006 | I like the way this is worded, how you choose to take the road less travelled by not being "sing-songy". Your voice really shines through.
No offense (looking at a pervious comment), but I don't think the imagery is necessarily your best asset -- I would place it more in your voice. Aside from the first big stanza, the ideas are simple (and that's not a bad thing), very compact. I actually like that -- I think it works here.
If you were to take the intense "imagery" approach, you would need to add it throughout -- if you were to perfect the simplicity, the expression of your voice, I would actually suggest toning down the imagery in the first stanza, adding more worldly/playful concepts (like "mousy" hair, "Let me pencil you in") instead of emotional ones. Maybe it's just so many intense adjectives in ones spot ("deep, blue pools of endless emotions") that just doesn't seem to fit.
I adore the stream-of-consciousness approach you take as it goes on... the fragmented words (last 4-line stanza). It goes back to the "voice" aspect -- beautiful in its humility, in a sense. The last two lines don't especially fit, but I can deal with it. haha.
For the title, just think of parts of the poem that you especially like. "Poetry and Prose", perhaps? "Let me Pencil You In" is a bit more playful. Going with the last line, a possible title is "Rough Draft", or "A Rough Draft You Chuck in the Paper Bin." A bit wordy, but whatever.
Ehh, hope I've been helpful. I enjoyed this immensely. |
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