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By kitten_princess
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22 December 2005 |
Finished, and yet unfinished. I'd like to see this as a draft. I would really like some comments, very criticial ones. But useful as well. The page stares at me
Blankly. I couldn't write anything
If my life depended on it,
But it does... What is the point of it all
When you can't express yourself? I'll let myself fall into the blank page
The dark blinking line that signals
Where my thoughts should lie
On the screen. I won't mourn
Or cry, for I know
When to give up, when to say goodbye. Still a blank stare. Nothing. I pick up a pencil.
I make a mark on a piece of paper,
A thick dark unblinking
Unforgiving mark. I screw up the page.
I return to the white screen.
It's not blinking, it's still staring. |
Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 3rd January 2006 | Right, some critique comments!
To be honest I'm not clear where you're trying to go with this. Perhaps begin your review of the piece by asking yourself "What is this about?" Is it about you, and the experience of writer's block? Is it about the blank page, and how it affects you? What conclusion do you want to reach? (the poem doesn't really have one at present). There's a story behind every poetic snapshot - what is the story you're trying to tell here?
Second question: what kind of "music" are you aiming at in the piece? There are a lot of very musical words here (lots of "blank"s and "blink"s) which you could use to good effect, as long as you don't over-labour them. Think of these words as the ones you're going to use to build the rest of the poem around, and see if they slot into place more comfortably than at present.
Now some specifics:
(1) "The page stares at me blankly". Wasn't overly impressed by this as an opening line. The personification of the paper is just a bit, well, obvious. It also says something about where the current focus of the poem is. If YOU were staring, there'd be a sense of action or motion, which I feel this poem needs - maybe the page could then stare back, which is a more balanced use of the personification. With the page staring at the beginning, it sets a very passive tone (i.e. things happen TO you, or don't happen at all). "Blankly" is a bit clumsy too. Too many adverbs can make a poem feel over-laboured. You may not need this at all, or you may be able to turn it into the appropriate adjective ("blank") when you re-work.
(2) Verse 2 is fascinating. My immediate response is "WHY does your life depend on writing?", but at present I don't get even the hint of an answer. If this is the story you want to pursue, then the poem could be re-focused around this question, with some little hints at parts of the answer scattered throughout. If this ISN'T the story you want to pursue, then this statement is far too strong for the piece; take it out and use it in another poem!
(3) Verse 3 is striking and might make a better last line, if you still need one in the revised piece. I'd get rid of the rhetorical "you" though - this poem isn't about me (or anybody else except you!) expressing themselves, so the "you" should be an "I".
(4a) Lovely images here but they are very jumbled. You shift from looking at a page (as suggested by verse 1) to looking at a computer screen (previously unheralded) without any warning. I think this piece would be stronger if you concentrated on one OR the other, but not both. The page is the logical one to go for, but it would be a pity to lose all the "blinks" if you get rid of the computer screen altogether. Have a think about how you might be able to keep the word, even if you're changing the image.
(4b) There's a very good internal rhyme here ("cry"-"goodbye"). This device is very effective for conveying a sense of structure. At present the piece is very unstructured so this sort of thing is helpful.
(5 & 6) Lovely verses here, with some very rich musical tones to them. Be careful with your tenses, there's a change to the past tense in verse 6 which isn't consistent with the rest of the poem.
(7) Juxtaposition of the page and the computer screen again. The piece does not naturally finish here, so this ending rather suggests you're running out of ideas. Which may be true, given that this is about writer's block and all, but the trick is to make the reader think that it's all carefully planned!
Hope these comments are helpful. I can remember writing a similar piece myself, some years ago. It's an experience all writers can generally identify with but one that's not easy to capture on paper - good on you for trying! |
Written by no1butClo (338 comments posted) 17th January 2006 | you write in a very wordy and expressive way. or perhaps it's just this one! i think you could afford to cut back on words generally, make some mystery! 
that was the phoenix, i apologise
that was too.
bye x clo x  (yes, him too) |
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