Written to take my mind off other verse problems
Old man in the sun
A bagatelle
He does look happy,comfortably seated there ,
the sun at his back, a smile upon his face.
What is he studying with that quiet stare?
An inward vision, himself in another place?
Has he a remembrance of a lady fair?
A contest, with himself the sporting ace?
A poker game, won with a lowly pair?
Deeds done where he employed both strength and grace?
For him, here in the sun there's pleasure where
no more is needed than the moment to embrace,
no other now with whom he has to share
the trivia that fill his inner space.
The casual observers note him in his chair
but of what he's thinking, are simply unaware.
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Really Liked!
Written by Katanga (1698 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
Wonderful, PJ! Quietly and sensitively observed.
Reminds of a not-very-well-known Donovan song, with the line, 'the retired writer in the sun'.
Cheers!
John |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (306 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
Along the lines of Brett's "Letter".
Nicely done, sir.
 |
Sonnet's got his hat on...
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
Enjoyed this reflective sonnet, Brian.
Regarding Turk's remark, I am more than aware of the difference in our pieces!
I really admire the second stanza;
'A poker game won with a lowly pair?' Smashing!
Cheers |
Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
This is just lovely, my dear - sounds very well, with a gentle relaxed flow that echoes the restful contentment of the subject.
Well-observed, too, firstly from outside, then the conjectured inner thoughts, and back to the outward view again.
It's very good, very comfortable.
ainsel |
Donovan?
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
who is unknown to me , but i will check .
Thank you for the review . The verse was intended to be quiet -- a kind of relieving effort from something very difficult I am attempting
patterjack . |
In that..
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
... it reflects on what is going on in another person's mind , this is quite correct , TT .
Thank you for the review and the compliment
patterjack |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
I liked this a lot, especially the last lines
"The casual observers note him in his chair
but of what he's thinking, are simply unaware"
This I thought was nicely captured. Good job.
When I looked at the last comment, i wondered, "Wait a minute, do you already know I'm going to say something?" But then I realized you were referring to the other TT on top.  .
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Once more
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
I seem to have fallen once more into the sonnet form , Brett -- quite unintentionally . This one is a bit off course in that it has a very weak versa -- but I can wear that as long as it is enjoyed !
Thanks for your comment -- and I checked the art on which you based your poem -- you have caught the idea well .
patterjack |
I hope...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 10th July 2008 |
...ainsel , that I myself will be as relaxed and comfortable as the old gent .
I know I have plenty of trivia stored up !
patterjack |
Sorry TT and TT
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 11th July 2008 |
That there seems to be a slight confusion !! But let me say I greatly appreciate both your reviews !
patterjack |
The sonnet returns!
Written by fellpony (1821 comments posted) 12th July 2008 |
Using this form gives a sense of neatness and tidyness, which may or may not be true of the Old Man's life.
I felt one line could have been turned around to be less mandatory:
"no other now with whom he has to share" suggests "She Who Must Be Obeyed" did not allow secrets ... though perhaps you meant this!
"he has no other now with whom to share" retains the metre but is more forlorn, as though he would share if he could but now cannot.
Last couplet ... probably true, but I was expecting something a touch harsher or sharper. Or are you mellowing as the Antipodean year begins to move towards spring??
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Mellow?
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 13th July 2008 |
You haven't seen me perform over the last few days . And alas we are not half way through winter as yet ! Not even any flies about 
I take your point about the sharing , but will leave it for the moment
Thanks for the review
patterjack
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Written by Talisker (1338 comments posted) 16th July 2008 |
Wistful and somehow in tune with my present mood.
Line ten somehow jarred rhythmically with me and the punchline is a bit weak. But I still enjoyed it.
Oli |
I meant to say...
Written by Talisker (1338 comments posted) 16th July 2008 |
I long for the day when all my problems are verse related!
Oli  |
Agreed
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 16th July 2008 |
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again, Oli
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 16th July 2008 |
It seems I am unable to control my mouse ( perhaps I should let it loose on your elephants Oli.)
It was a bagatelle , designed to relieve my mind of something that I am trying to write and at which I am failing miserably. That's my excuse anyway for the weakness of the last lines -- I just wanted to get it over with , but without my usual sourness .
patterjack |
verse'n problems , Oli
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 16th July 2008 |
Often when I look at what is written on this site it occurs to me that if there were no problems there would be no verse other than
the soppily sentimental or the sickly sweet.
But where would we be without the angst ?
patterjack |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 16th July 2008 |
I found this so soothing as if nothing can disrupt the calm, inner tranquil of the old man. What an enviable existence! Whatever he is musing about, whether trivial or profound, he seems to be at peace with himself. I particularly liked the 3rd stanza, it seems to bring out that quiet inner peace, that he is ok with himself and his world - a state younger people rarely enjoy because we seem to be forever pursuing the wind. Ah, to be "old" while still "young" is a good aim to have, I think. I guess when we are older, we can keep young by having this kind of peace at heart.
Mia |
I wish...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 18th July 2008 |
... that right now I could emulate his calm , Mia !
Alas , at the moment, even the trivia with which my brain usually abounds are being beaten down by rather heavier concerns .
Thank you for your review-- appreciated !
patterjack |
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