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Poetry
I would be as wormwood
By MeteoricIndigo
11 July 2008
I was experimenting with this poem, mainly on the line-break structure.
If you are curious about it, you can find a full explanation here: http://meteoricindigo.deviantart.com/art/Fibonacci-Form-87229508

I posted this to get an objective view of it grammatically, based on the subject, and basic sentence structure.

That being said, I ask that you do so respectfully and constructively. If you're going to be harsh and attacking, I'd rather you not comment on it.

Thank you for any constructive criticism, though. :)

--CGV

I would be as wormwood,

my leaves wand’ring with the breeze

were it not for my covetous parents who rose from the seas so long ago--
with thoughts they could do more than their mother, wise and old.

In my woe I would remain --
until my white and yellow petals no longer waxed and waned,
until my bitter-green wormwood oil left my withered veins.

Until like a drop of antidote I soothed the poisoned and their foolish claims.
Until I countered the pollutants that so quickly convoluted their honest, humble aims.
Maybe then perhaps they would see what they had done to me:
destroyed my void with cruel and sumptuous ways.
Let the liquid, drop by drop, consume their very core.

I would be as wormwood and commune with all the earth
were it not for brazen men who conquered then dispersed.
Who claimed to be a single force, when in the end, destroying who I am,
they turned against each other with no sense of oneness with their kin.
A treacherous vine entraps them as it does my weakened self.
Poison! Poison! Poison in my very soul!
Feel it as it takes its wretched toll on me--it must consume, I must obey.
My natural wonderment and respect must both undoubtedly give way.

The bitter-green wormwood oil, blood within my withered veins,
entrapped by pois’nous greed and all its evil ways.
Changes me and who I am, a victim now of happenstance.
Artemis, my sacred moon, save me now and heal my wounds!
I fear I can no longer escape this self-destructive trance.

Wax and wane to make me sway, maybe then I’ll learn to stray
from men whose greedy, blackened hearts rule their own domains
and think that solely gives them right to justify their treach'rous reigns.

Teach me how to make them slow, intoxicate their minds.
Then my goddess I shall serve, the slain will one day break away.

I would be as wormwood, intoxicating wicked man--who forgot his earthly ways,

if only he would learn to be, instead of use me and my body raze.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1618 comments posted) 11th July 2008
Was that intro for me? I must admit that I’m tempted to say “no comment”; however, as you’ve asked for constructive critique, I will offer you this. 
Poetry, regardless of the line-break structure (of which I’m not in the least bit curious) should still be grammatically correct and punctuated properly. It should also make sense.  
Have you ever tried laying out one of your poems akin to prose in order that you might see how it reads? 
 

 
I would be as wormwood, my leaves wand’ring with the breeze were it not for my covetous parents who rose from the seas so long ago -- with thoughts they could do more than their mother, wise and old. In my woe I would remain -- until my white and yellow petals no longer waxed and waned, until my bitter-green wormwood oil left my withered veins. Until like a drop of antidote I soothed the poisoned and their foolish claims. Until I countered the pollutants that so quickly convoluted their honest, humble aims. 
Maybe then perhaps they would see what they had done to me: destroyed my void with cruel and sumptuous ways. 
Let the liquid, drop by drop, consume their very core. 
I would be as wormwood and commune with all the earth were it not for brazen men who conquered then dispersed. Who claimed to be a single force, when in the end, destroying who I am, they turned against each other with no sense of oneness with their kin. A treacherous vine entraps them as it does my weakened self. Poison! Poison! Poison in my very soul! Feel it as it takes its wretched toll on me -- it must consume, I must obey. My natural wonderment and respect must both undoubtedly give way. 
The bitter-green wormwood oil, blood within my withered veins, entrapped by pois’nous greed and all its evil ways. Changes me and who I am, a victim now of happenstance. Artemis, my sacred moon, save me now and heal my wounds! I fear I can no longer escape this self-destructive trance. 
Wax and wane to make me sway, maybe then I’ll learn to stray from men whose greedy, blackened hearts rule their own domains and think that solely gives them right to justify their treach'rous reigns. 
Teach me how to make them slow, intoxicate their minds. Then my goddess I shall serve, the slain will one day break away.  
I would be as wormwood, intoxicating wicked man -- who forgot his earthly ways, if only he would learn to be, instead of use me and my body raze. 
 

 
Perhaps someone would care to explain your story to me, because I will admit that I’m still none the wiser.  

Written by MeteoricIndigo (3 comments posted) 11th July 2008
Yes, as a matter of fact.  
There are better ways to aid a fellow writer than with a smart ass, elitist attitude towards writing.  
 
Have you ever tried not being a total snob... 
you know, the whole "manners/politeness" thing? 
 
Let me help you: 
"I don't quite understand your story, but here are some ways you can fix it grammatically... (etc.)" 
 
"Maybe if you tried *this* it would read better." 
 
Something like that, maybe? Because all that I've encountered from you is close-minded arrogance. A need to point out just how much *I* suck, and how high and might you are. 
 
I'd like to become a better writer, yes.  
Are you helping me? Not in the least. 
Isn't that what websites like this are for? To make the writing world better, help your fellow writer? 
 
It seems you've missed the point entirely, brother.  
 

Written by Veronica_Milvus (794 comments posted) 12th July 2008
I can see where you are going with this. Wormwood / Artemesia / Artemis... I am getting the idea of a woman wanting to poison men! 
 
But there's quite a bit of repetition in here and the ideas / images could do with tightening up. And I don't think I would try to rhyme this, I would do it in "blank". The last line especially is rather forced, you have to torment the sentence structure to get a rhyme into it. 
 
And why pois'nous and treach'rous? I know poets used to do that to force a word into the metre they were using, but your metre doesn't seem strict enough to warrant it, and it grates. 
 
At least Steve spent enough time on this to rewrite for you. Whether you like his comments or not, he is paying your work some attention. 
 
I would try to condense what you are saying into about half the space, as an exercise to see if you can tighten this up and get more force, venom, behind it.

Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 12th July 2008
I have to agree with Veronica regarding repetition, and especially in her advise to do this in blank verse, or maybe even free verse - the rhymes seem clumsy as your metre is all over the place. I would recommend you either stick to a given metre and rewrite this in blank verse, or simply rewrite it! 
Again in agreement with Veronica, there is no need for "pois'nous", "treach'rous" even if you were sticking to a strict metre. 
 
Finally, in Steve's defence he has made a valid point regarding grammer (punctuation, is preferable, but not all poets agree here) and he has taken the time and trouble to write your piece out in prose. 
Do you consider your reply to him as a sign of good manners and politeness? 
If you are willing to learn, you must first listen. 
Cheers

Written by MeteoricIndigo (3 comments posted) 12th July 2008
Veronica and Brett: First of all, thank you for commenting.  
 
This poem is supposed to be about the natural world and its struggle against man (modernization, industrialization). 
 
Is the repetition annoying? I was trying implement a refrain. 
 
No, pois'nous and trech'rous are not necessary. They sounded better to me at the moment. Noted.  
 
Regarding the rhyming, I see what you mean. I'm rewriting it right now. Thank you for your help! :) 
---- 
And as for Steve, he just seems to have a very sharp tongue.  
For the record, I appreciate his critique and help--it's the attitude I could do without.  

Written by stevetroster (1618 comments posted) 13th July 2008
No, Indigo, I don’t believe that you did appreciate my critique and help, for you were far too busy concentrating on what you believed was my “attitude”. 
 
I fail to understand how you can successfully ascertain my attitude towards you and your work, purely from reading a few lines of writing displayed on your monitor. After all, I failed to successfully ascertain the story behind your poem, purely from reading a few lines of writing displayed on my monitor. But perhaps you are more intelligent than me! 
 
“And as for Steve, he just seems to have a very sharp tongue.” Um, Ditto? And why the PM telling me that I am being a total snob who lacks the whole "manners/politeness" thing and that all you’ve encountered from me is close-minded arrogance and a need to point out just how much you suck (your words, not mine) and how high and mighty I am (again, your words not mine), why the need for a PM when you’ve already said it all above?  
 
Anyway, for the record, ‘brother’, you no longer need to concern yourself with my attitude for I shall no longer grace your pages. Good luck with all your multitudinous reviews. 
To date: 8 posts, 4 reviews (2 of which were mine). 
You’ve just alienated 50% of your “constructive” audience. 
 
Good start, brother. 
 
 

Written by MeteoricIndigo (3 comments posted) 13th July 2008
I don't want to argue any more, because this is really petty now that I think about it. The first comment I received came from you, and you gave a very bad name to your community by critiquing the way that you did.  
 
All I was doing was putting my work out there so that I could improve, and you decided to focus on me, not my writing.  
 
I may have responded in a similar fashion, and for that I apologize.  
I may have read into what you wrote incorrectly, but I don't think so. It's very easy to determine someone's tone by their word choice. 
 
As for the PM, I didn't know if you'd receive the reply here, so I sent it personally. 
 
"Good luck with all your multitudinous reviews.  
To date: 8 posts, 4 reviews (2 of which were mine).  
You’ve just alienated 50% of your “constructive” audience. " 
 
It's stuff like that, the mocking sarcasm, that I'm talking about.  
Do you even realize you're doing it?  
According to your response, you don't. 
 
Hopefully this ends here, 
See you around.

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