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By NathanRoberts
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13 July 2008 |
When I see
an oblivious terrier scanter past,
a ring shaped frisbee
draped round its ears
like a luminous halo collapsed,
and when I see
a city night fox,
streetlight orange, nose
deep in detritus,
scavenging scraps to return to its cubs,
and when I see
a young capuchin monkey
sprouting diodes and transistor twigs
performing a single
mathematic equation,
and when I see
a dwarf hamster chasing
its rice grain tail
in a repetitive cylinder
of moulded plastic
I realise
that animals are beautiful because they don't have it,
and tonight, when I saw you
lifting that snail,
placing it gently back on a leaf,
I knew
humans are beautiful
when we act without motive
to bestow it upon them.
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Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 13th July 2008 | Rob, I think this is a very beautiful piece of writing. There are some wonderfully descriptive lines - 'like a luminous halo collapsed' I thought witty and visual.
That final stanza is, of course, the gem of this piece (not sure about 'I knew' as a single line though - I think that any reader would still realise the emphasis of both those simple words if the line ran 'I knew humans are beautiful'). I also don't see the need for the type setting,
but there are times when we feel that the 'look' of a poem somehow improves it - but, in my opinion ( and it is something that I have myself been guilty of) we are rarely right.
I hope all that doesn't sound too negative, Rob, because I thoroughly enjoyed reading this - and I promise to again.
Cheers | Upon re-reading
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 13th July 2008 | that line - have you deliberately omitted the punctutation?
...back on a leaf,
I knew. (or even ':')
Humans are...
Just curious.
Cheers | Tremendous!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 14th July 2008 | Really like this! And what a final stanza!
I had to look up 'scanter' and find it is a combination of 'saunter' and 'canter'. 'slower than a gallop, brisk and leisurely at the same time'. Great word!
I'm also glad that I looked it up because I inadvertently came across another new word for me - 'scanties' = very brief panties. But I think that's one for a different sort of poem!
Ha! Ha!
John | Thanks guys!
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 14th July 2008 | Brett: Nothing negative there mate, thanks. Comments like these are one of the reasons it's worth posting. I'm not sure about 'knew' as a single line. Each time I read it, I pause after 'I knew', but I don't know if that's a bit melodramatic. Will let it rest for a bit, then amend if needed.
REF: layout. Not being a fixed form, it's often trial and error getting the layout that seems right. I felt this one nicely emphasised the four groups of four, then eight, but again I may well revise it later.
Katanga: Actually, I thought i'd made up 'scanter'! Sort of a cross between 'scamper' and 'canter'. A terrier scampers, but I wanted to capture a bit of the more dignified movement of a horse cantering. 'Scanties' sounds nice...another new one for me, at least in word form  . |
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