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Poetry
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tears in the dark
By no1butClo
27 December 2005
needs work, suggestions welcome.

Tears,
salty, unconventional,
racing down the contours
of a face, once touched
twice kissed
a thousand times smiled upon
in dreams of empty air

when can I be whole again?

Face,
tearstained and stung,
never looked upon from
such a lonely mirror.

A nightingale
who's all sung out;
but she doesn't want to face the morning.

Reviews

Written by Oops (11 comments posted) 28th December 2005
This starts really well but i think the ending needs something...keep working on it though because its guna be a good one! 
 
Sorry this review is really useless...im not much help am i!?....not really sure what it needs at the end but it lacks something, a last line in emotion....?...

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 3rd January 2006
Not sure why you've said the face was "never looked upon" - can't be true surely? 
 
The nightingale image in the last line is very powerful but also totally different to what went before it in the first 2 verses. I wonder if there's a way you can bring it in more gently? The sensations in the other 2 verses are very visual and I think you need some sort of aural sensation as well, for the nightingale to make sense.

Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 31st May 2006
I would just rework where you put what and add something at the end (I just put light b/c it would seem awkward to just leave it hanging) but this is how I would put it: 
 
Salty, unconventional tears  
racing down the contours  
of a face, once touched 
twice kissed 
a thousand times smiled upon 
in dreams of empty air 
 
when can I be whole again? 
 
a tearstained face 
stung 
never looked upon, from such a  
lonely mirror 
 
a nightingale  
who's all sung out;  
she doesn't want to face  
the morning light

Written by pure_heartofmine (7 comments posted) 5th July 2006
i love the last line... its amazing it hits something with me. deep... real... nicely done. the poem as a whole is amazing as well. but the last line... 
 
Jillian

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