Babies grow up far too quickly
New edited version
Ten tiny toes
No one knows
Where those toes will go.
Around the world
Or just downtown
No one can say they know.
Hold them close
Nurture them
Keep them safe and free.
They are yours
For a little while
Until its time to let them be.
But your loving care
Will hold them
Whether they're near or far.
You will always
Be remembered
No matter where you are.
Original version
Ten tiny toes
No none knows
Where those toes will go
Around the world
Or just downtown
No one can say they know.
Hold them close
Nurture them
Keep them safe and free
They are yours
For a little while
Until its time for them to go.
Your loving care
Will hold them
No matter where they be
You will always
Be remembered
For all eternity.
|
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
| Hello Bob. I love your little poem, and I have to tell you that I love looking at babies' little fingers and toes. They are born with a perfect set, and they are sent out into the world perfectly manicured. Oh, if only they could stay that way. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "Until it's time for them to go." What did you mean? |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
Babies become children, then teenyboppers then adults, then they go out into the world and make their own lives. All mine did. |
Beautifully Put!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
Love this, Bob!
'Until it's time for them to go.' is very poignant and reminds me of a line from one of my all-time favourite songs, by Sandy Denny of Fairport Convention, 'Who knows where the time goes?'
'Across the evening sky
All the birds are leaving
But how can they know
It's time for them to go?'
Know it?
Anway, more to the point, I think your poem is excellent!
Cheers!
John
|
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
| John, I have just edited that poem. It did not balance properly. Have I made it any better or worse/ Be honest, I won't be upset. |
Gosh, Bob!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
This is quite a major re-write!
Yes, it is now more 'balanced', but perfect balance isn't everything for me, and I honestly think it's lost something.
I miss the line ''Until it's time for them to go.' for the personal 'song' allusion that I mentionad above, and I liked the word 'eternity' at the end, though your new line has a touch of 'bathos'.
My final verdict? Dunno! Up to you . . .
What do others think? Trouble is, the first versions gone, so new readers can't compare.
How about reposting the original above this one?
Cheers!
John |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
| OK John, I'll have to find the original piece of paper from my notebook. I squiggle my stuff on paoer then type it onto the computer. That way I can write anywhere the mood takes me. My writing is a bit hard to decypher at times, specially when my hands are covered with glue, or varnish or just plain mud. |
Glue, varnish, mud?
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
Good grief, Bob! What on earth do you do for a living?
Outdoor primary school teaching? Natural art? Yacht building in a field?
Ha! Ha!
Great to see the two versions above and now I can clearly see why you wanted to edit it. I really hope people will add comments.
I would like to see more of these 'original + edits' posted - it really helps, well me at least, get valuable in sights into the writing process.
Thanks for taking the touble over this!
Cheers!
John |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 15th July 2008 |
A pleasure John. I do nothing for a living now, I have retired from a life in the building industry. Carpenter, joiner, cabinet maker and later into administration. I still have an operating workshop, I like painting landscapes but don't have much time, I am growing my own vegetables etc, I have a nice photography setup and There are 3 dogs, 3 cats, 12 hens, four ducks in our household. Life is busy. A teacher I am not.
Cheers for now.
Bob |
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